I stood there, in my bathroom, staring at the stranger in the mirror. I was there crying. So much torment in my head and pain in my heart. The weight of the world was resting on my crumbling shoulders. Patsy Cline was echoing off the tile walls as she belted out that heartbreaking, familiar, pleading as she fell to pieces. A fresh package of double edged razor blades was enticing me from the counter with a promise of eternal relief.
The hot water was running, offering it’s aid in my plight, some Aspirin to push the cause further. I knew how quickly the blood would flow down the drains and far from my heart leaving me pale and cold. It would be so fast and so easy. I’d just slip silently into the Great Beyond.
My hands trembled as I slid the blade from it’s case, tears down my cheeks, thinking confused thoughts. My mind raced over the violent abuse, the way it made me hate myself, mixed with the way it felt to be kissed by a cute boy and laughing with my best friend. That internal struggle tore my soul apart. I had to force those happy memories from my head. If I thought about them too hard, I’d lose my nerve.
There was thought behind the first slice - traveling the length of my vein - making it harder to repair. I was so numb that I almost didn’t feel it. Watching it drip, swirling it’s brilliant color with the crystal clear contrasting water. It was fascinating and beautiful. And relief would not be too far now. It created such thick pools that it took several seconds to fully dilute and stain the water.
Then the pain started to hit and my fingers started to involuntarily curl. I couldn’t muffle my cries. I didn’t expect such sharpness. It’s not like that in the movies. They just cut, the blood comes, then a few minutes later their internal agony is done. But that’s not real life. In real life, there is excruciating pain.
Patsy was quiet now, at least I couldn’t hear her. The sensation running up my arm was deafening. Now, I wanted to die more than ever. And the door opened. I sat there, in the shower, with my favorite ripped jeans on, donning the Nirvana t-shirt my BFF got me, and a flannel. My (grand) mom stood over me - “Why Nich-ee, Why?!” The thickness of her horror was palpable. She looked down on me - the girl she saved, the daughter she chose, the little girl with wild curls and abundant freckles, and she grabbed me from the shower and put as much pressure as she could. She screamed for my (grand) dad. And there they were - holding me when I could no longer stand. 11 stitches and several evaluations later - I was back home.
I don’t know why she came in the bathroom that day. I’d locked the door. What was it about this time that sent her to me? I wish I could thank her for it and apologize for the sight she had to see. The thought of my own children or loved ones laying there terrifies me. While I can’t look her in the eyes again - I thank her with my actions. That was my second chance and I'm not wasting it.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The Bright Side is Suicide
Several weeks ago, one of my nearest and dearest friends witnessed a human being become a memory in the hearts and minds of his loved ones. This happened some two thousand miles away and far from my front door. We didn't talk directly about it. But this moment,in social networking updates of the past, has impacted me so much so that I'm writing this to you, right now.
My youngest, who is now 5 (yes, blog slacker, I know) and started his first day of kindergarten, has a morbid side to him. He talks about death regularly. Curiosity, fear, immortality, bravery - they are just small facets of these discussions. He asks me if I will still love him when I'm dead. I reassure him that my love is not something he will ever have to worry about. I explain that the love of a mommy is the strongest love ever. And it brings me to tears, every time. There's a pain associated with it that aches my core. I can, literally, feel it in my heart.
Then, another, ugly thought creeps into my soul. That person, the one who was ended, by a gunshot, that person had a mother. Maybe she was like me. Maybe she looked into the eyes of her young son and felt pangs of terror in the thought that one day - their physical bond would be severed. But hers came true. Someone, in one instant, put an end to some mommy's baby. She felt his first flutters in the womb. She cried, tears of joy, at ultrasound pictures. She helped him get ready for his first day of school. She kissed his hurties away and rushed to his room at night when he had a bad dream. She's now missing her baby. Crying at the mention of his name. Falling asleep with a shirt that still smells like him or clutching his picture in her hand. She will go the remainder of her life - wondering about what he'd be like today. Would he have kids? What would he have been?
That could be my youngest someday. Or my Stormykins. Or my Tabasco. Or my Mini-Me. Someday, it could be one of my babies that is slumped over, lifeless, on a sidewalk. And it's completely out of my control. I created these people, devote every second of my life to them, nurture them, teach them, hug them, hold them, laugh with them, watch them grow - and someone could get pissed off and take that away from me. From the world and rob one of these babies of the life they have planned. So I make it a point - every single day that I'm blessed to share life with these beautiful creatures - to be a little less angry when they dump milk on the carpet, break my possessions, interrupt my sleep, or take my last piece of candy. I wish, somehow, someway, when one person goes to take the life of another, they could, for an instant, see that person through the eyes of their mommies. I wish they could see how precious life truly is.
It makes me want to go back in time. I know - kind of a left field thought, right? Well, there was a time when I was hell bent for death. I wanted so much to end myself. Obviously, I lost that particular battle. For which I am grateful. Every single day. I want to put my hand on the shoulder of the troubled girl 20 years my junior, look into her tear filled eyes and tell her - There will come a day when you will want to live forever. I want to sit her down and tell her that one day she will value life so much that hearing of the demise of a stranger will hurt her heart. I want to explain to her that the pain she feels that drives her to this point, has an end. Those moment where death seems like a release - they will be replaced with smiles and laughter. I wish I could tell her that there will be rough spots, hurdles, pain - but those moments will be negated. The hurt will be diminished. Someday - she will look out of her backdoor, watch her baby daughter play happily with her brothers and death will be the furthest thing from her mind. Because life gets better.
Maybe that walk in the darkness, those nights of wishing there'd be no morning, maybe that experience helped me appreciate the utter beauty of life. There is no pain, no anger, no tangible thing, no emotion, no dollar bill, no NOTHING - worth taking a life for (including your own).
My youngest, who is now 5 (yes, blog slacker, I know) and started his first day of kindergarten, has a morbid side to him. He talks about death regularly. Curiosity, fear, immortality, bravery - they are just small facets of these discussions. He asks me if I will still love him when I'm dead. I reassure him that my love is not something he will ever have to worry about. I explain that the love of a mommy is the strongest love ever. And it brings me to tears, every time. There's a pain associated with it that aches my core. I can, literally, feel it in my heart.
Then, another, ugly thought creeps into my soul. That person, the one who was ended, by a gunshot, that person had a mother. Maybe she was like me. Maybe she looked into the eyes of her young son and felt pangs of terror in the thought that one day - their physical bond would be severed. But hers came true. Someone, in one instant, put an end to some mommy's baby. She felt his first flutters in the womb. She cried, tears of joy, at ultrasound pictures. She helped him get ready for his first day of school. She kissed his hurties away and rushed to his room at night when he had a bad dream. She's now missing her baby. Crying at the mention of his name. Falling asleep with a shirt that still smells like him or clutching his picture in her hand. She will go the remainder of her life - wondering about what he'd be like today. Would he have kids? What would he have been?
That could be my youngest someday. Or my Stormykins. Or my Tabasco. Or my Mini-Me. Someday, it could be one of my babies that is slumped over, lifeless, on a sidewalk. And it's completely out of my control. I created these people, devote every second of my life to them, nurture them, teach them, hug them, hold them, laugh with them, watch them grow - and someone could get pissed off and take that away from me. From the world and rob one of these babies of the life they have planned. So I make it a point - every single day that I'm blessed to share life with these beautiful creatures - to be a little less angry when they dump milk on the carpet, break my possessions, interrupt my sleep, or take my last piece of candy. I wish, somehow, someway, when one person goes to take the life of another, they could, for an instant, see that person through the eyes of their mommies. I wish they could see how precious life truly is.
It makes me want to go back in time. I know - kind of a left field thought, right? Well, there was a time when I was hell bent for death. I wanted so much to end myself. Obviously, I lost that particular battle. For which I am grateful. Every single day. I want to put my hand on the shoulder of the troubled girl 20 years my junior, look into her tear filled eyes and tell her - There will come a day when you will want to live forever. I want to sit her down and tell her that one day she will value life so much that hearing of the demise of a stranger will hurt her heart. I want to explain to her that the pain she feels that drives her to this point, has an end. Those moment where death seems like a release - they will be replaced with smiles and laughter. I wish I could tell her that there will be rough spots, hurdles, pain - but those moments will be negated. The hurt will be diminished. Someday - she will look out of her backdoor, watch her baby daughter play happily with her brothers and death will be the furthest thing from her mind. Because life gets better.
Maybe that walk in the darkness, those nights of wishing there'd be no morning, maybe that experience helped me appreciate the utter beauty of life. There is no pain, no anger, no tangible thing, no emotion, no dollar bill, no NOTHING - worth taking a life for (including your own).
Friday, June 10, 2011
Dear God
Dear God,
Let me start off by saying - I'm sorry for the crappy things I have done. I've made some serious mistakes. I've hurt people that I love. I've broken so many commandments. I've been wrong more times than I can count. I'm imperfect. In the past I've been selfish and self centered. I didn't read my Bible. I didn't go to church. I broke my marriage vows. I've been so angry at Ex Douchebag for leaving me the way he did that I got wrapped up in it. I cannot take back anything I have ever done and I wish I could sometimes. The last year I've been working on getting on the right path. For myself, for my family, for my children.
I remember why I walked away from You. I thought I was left behind. My sisters & I were living in squalor and being raped by a sicko that claimed he was a Christian. In my 8 year old mind I thought that no God that I'd read about would abandon me like that. I'd never done anything wrong. I got straight a's and did everything I was told. I prayed my hardest. Why would You leave a good little girl? Why would You let me hurt. I see now that I was given strength to survive and sense to go forward and go to police. I was given the courage to stand and fight to get out. But back then... well...all I wanted to do was end my own life. The images in my head haunted me and tormented me. I took it out on myself and everyone around me. I swore I'd worship Satan himself before I'd trust You again. I'm sorry. Sincerely.
Now my Middle Son is hurting like I did (for different reasons). He is so much like me that I'm scared for him. His little eyes fill with tears that I cannot stop. Watching your child hurt and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop it - well You know what I mean. I've tried to reassure him. I've tried to hug him and kiss him and hold him. I've tried therapy. I have tried love. I've tried explaining to his father that this "here one minute, gone the next" attitude is taking a toll on him. He's talked about killing himself. He's talked about hurting others. He's reverted to an infant when I try to talk about the hard stuff. I've spent the last 6 months with Ex Douchebag trying to put our marriage back together because it's what I thought was best for our kids. It's not that he doesn't understand what is going on - it's that he does. Way more than he's been given credit for. Honestly, I think he understands even more than adults do. It's taking it's toll on him. It feels like all I can do is watch.
So God - I'm on my knees in front of the whole world. Help. Make it stop. Fix it. Be with him. My little baby didn't do anything wrong. I did. Ex Douchebag did. Not Middle Son. God please. Just protect my baby from our thoughtless, impulsive and stupid decisions.
Thanks for listening.
Let me start off by saying - I'm sorry for the crappy things I have done. I've made some serious mistakes. I've hurt people that I love. I've broken so many commandments. I've been wrong more times than I can count. I'm imperfect. In the past I've been selfish and self centered. I didn't read my Bible. I didn't go to church. I broke my marriage vows. I've been so angry at Ex Douchebag for leaving me the way he did that I got wrapped up in it. I cannot take back anything I have ever done and I wish I could sometimes. The last year I've been working on getting on the right path. For myself, for my family, for my children.
I remember why I walked away from You. I thought I was left behind. My sisters & I were living in squalor and being raped by a sicko that claimed he was a Christian. In my 8 year old mind I thought that no God that I'd read about would abandon me like that. I'd never done anything wrong. I got straight a's and did everything I was told. I prayed my hardest. Why would You leave a good little girl? Why would You let me hurt. I see now that I was given strength to survive and sense to go forward and go to police. I was given the courage to stand and fight to get out. But back then... well...all I wanted to do was end my own life. The images in my head haunted me and tormented me. I took it out on myself and everyone around me. I swore I'd worship Satan himself before I'd trust You again. I'm sorry. Sincerely.
Now my Middle Son is hurting like I did (for different reasons). He is so much like me that I'm scared for him. His little eyes fill with tears that I cannot stop. Watching your child hurt and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop it - well You know what I mean. I've tried to reassure him. I've tried to hug him and kiss him and hold him. I've tried therapy. I have tried love. I've tried explaining to his father that this "here one minute, gone the next" attitude is taking a toll on him. He's talked about killing himself. He's talked about hurting others. He's reverted to an infant when I try to talk about the hard stuff. I've spent the last 6 months with Ex Douchebag trying to put our marriage back together because it's what I thought was best for our kids. It's not that he doesn't understand what is going on - it's that he does. Way more than he's been given credit for. Honestly, I think he understands even more than adults do. It's taking it's toll on him. It feels like all I can do is watch.
So God - I'm on my knees in front of the whole world. Help. Make it stop. Fix it. Be with him. My little baby didn't do anything wrong. I did. Ex Douchebag did. Not Middle Son. God please. Just protect my baby from our thoughtless, impulsive and stupid decisions.
Thanks for listening.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Glamourous Life of the Single Working Mom
3:21 a.m. - I finish up the mailers I was doing for work. They are all stamped and ready to go out in the mail. My eyes are rolling.... it's time for bed.
4:43 a.m. - Mini-Me rustles in her sleep and hunger pangs wake her. I'm in my bed 10 feet in front of her. Just the sounds of her rustling in her crib wakes me. I look at the clock and listen to see if she is just tossing or if she is going to get up. Much to my dismay - it's the latter. She starts to cry. I get up. Hit my shin on the end of the bed and I can't scream because it will scare her. I pick her up, carry her to the kitchen where I open the fridge and realize I didn't prepare formula before I passed out. So I make her a quick 4oz bottle and hope it's enough to top her off and get her back to sleep. We make our way back to the bedroom. I step on a Beyblade one of the boys left in the hall. But I'm so exhausted that I'm too tired to whimper. We crawl into my bed - yeah a big no no- and I give her the bottle and she starts to doze. She finishes it. The sensation of me taking it out of her mouth startles her awake again. The 4oz wasn't enough. We do the above over again. She falls back to sleep around 6:00.
6:47 a.m. - The Oldest is up. He shut his bedroom door and I'm awake again. I nod off just in time to hear him shut the front door which wakes Mini-Me.
7:00 a.m. - We head to the living room as it is clear that she is not going to go back to sleep. I put her in her high chair so that I can prepare breakfast. I give her some baby puffs to tide her over. She is happy & giggling. She picks them up in her beautiful baby fingers and shoves them into her face. I don't even know if my eyes are open. I move the remnants of last nights dinner plates to find my coffee pot. Sweet salvation from the grog. Then I clean off a space on the counter to cut a banana for the baby girl that I love so much.
7:08 a.m. - Middle Son stirs in his room. He wants to watch some cartoons before school. So he turns on the television. Youngest Boy is now up from the sounds of the television.
7:14 a.m. - Youngest Boy comes into the kitchen and asks for a bowl of cereal. At this moment I realize I forgot to turn on the coffee pot. Ugh. I reach into the cabinet to pull out the last clean bowl. I forgot to start the dishwasher last night. Upon pouring the cereal I realize that we have no clean spoons. So I improvise and give him a measuring spoon. I get creative and tell him that it is so he can measure how many tablespoons of cereal he has today. He is pleased and sits down at the table.
7:22 a.m. - I finish sweeping up the scattered baby puffs and banana cubes just in time to hear a familiar splash in the living room. Youngest Boy has taken his bowl of cereal into the living room and, as usual, has spilled it on the floor. I thank God for the hardwood flooring at this point. Youngest Boy runs to grab a towel and comes back with a dishrag that's not nearly big enough to clean the mess. I thank him for the help and remind him that we eat in the kitchen.
7:28 a.m. - Middle Son would like some sausage links. Thankfully these take 45 seconds in the microwave.
7:39 a.m. - I'm off to get weather appropriate clothing for all 3 of them. The clean laundry is sorted into baskets in my bedroom. I haven't had time to fold them. So I dig. The boys watch some television and fight over which program they are going to watch. I have to play referee as I change & dress Mini-Me.
7:50 a.m. - I return to the kitchen to clean the plates & bowls from the boys' breakfast. I rinse Mini-Me's high chair tray to prepare for lunch. Finally I am able to pour my cup of coffee.
8:00 a.m. - I instruct Middle Son to get dressed and get his bookbag together while I pick up the laundry from the living room & kitchen. (Mini-Me's clothing, my socks, some dishrags & the towels from Youngest Boys earlier spill). My alarm in my bedroom is going off. The noise is enough to make me want to scream. I have to run and shut it off. I look at my bed and want to go back to sleep.
8:05 a.m. - Getting the first load of laundry of the day into the washer. Mini-Me is now screaming from the living room and I ask Youngest Boy what he did to her. He was just trying to give her hug. I run to the living room to find her reaching up for me. I carry her back to the laundry room to finish loading it and unloading the dryer onto my bed. With 1 hand.
8:08 a.m. - I remind Middle Son to get dressed for school.
8:13 a.m. - Youngest Boy is now dressed. His pants are on backwards and he is wearing a pajama shirt that belongs to Middle Son. Even his socks are on upside down. I help to re-dress him. We go through the run down of the proper way to dress. He is wiggling and falls off the couch. Crying ensues. He wants daddy. He wishes daddy would come home. He wishes Daddy would leave Katie and come back to us. Middle Son is frustrated now because he can't hear television.
8:17 a.m. - I remind Middle Son AGAIN to get dressed.
8:23 a.m. - I find my own socks so that I can get ready to head out the door.
8:30 a.m. - I have to block the television so that Middle Son will do what I have asked him to do repeatedly. Finally he gets off the couch and gets dressed. His pajamas are strewn onto the floor down the hallway and into his bedroom. I ask him to pick them up and place them into the hamper.
8:37 a.m. - Middle Son cannot find last nights homework. There is a mad hunt through the living & dining room to find it. Mini-Me has now found something random on the floor behind the entertainment center and she has it in her mouth. She is gagging now. I run to pat her back and a nickel falls to the floor. She is crying really hard now.
8:40 a.m. - My phone alarm goes off letting me know that it's time to head out the door to take Middle Son to school.
8:44 a.m. - Youngest Boy cannot find one of his shoes. Middle Son is reenacting some fighting moves he saw on television. He is oblivious to the search for Youngest Boy's shoe. Youngest Boy is crying again. He wants Daddy.
8:52 a.m. - The missing shoe is located under a box in the bedroom. Youngest Boy thanks me for being a wonderful mommy and finding his shoe. We are ready to go.
8:55 a.m. - I reach for my keys on the hook by the front door. They are not there. Youngest Boy used them to open his cash register toy last night and left them somewhere. A mad scramble is on to find my keys.
8:57 a.m. - I give up my search for the keys. I grab the spare and race to the van. I get Mini-Me secured into her car seat. I run to the other side to buckle Youngest Boy in.
8:59 a.m. - I get into the drivers seat and lock my seatbelt and press the button to shut the sliding door. It shuts and then comes back open. Something is stuck in the track. I run over to the side and remove the Easter card my best friend sent me that was wound up in the track. I'd question how it got there and express my sadness over losing the card but who really cares? Just me.
9:00 a.m. - School begins.
9:02 a.m. - I pull out of the driveway and we're off to school.
9:07 a.m. - We arrive at school and Middle Son gets out. He runs to the door and his pants slip down to expose a plumber's crack. I realize he did not put on underwear this morning. I call to him to tell him that he is to put on underwear every single day. He tells me he forgot. Now I send my son to school with no underpants. Let's hope it's not gym day.
9:12 a.m. - We return home. As I get Mini-Me out of her car seat I realize she has pooped. It is up her back, inside her car seat and down her legs. I pull her seat out and take her into the house. Youngest Boy claims the television and announces he is still hungry and would like more breakfast. I explain that I have to clean Mini-Me up first. He misses Daddy again.
9:23 a.m. - I have completed cleaning Mini-Me. As I enter the kitchen to dispose of the dirty diaper & wash my hands I spot my cup of coffee on the counter. It's completely cold.
9:28 a.m. - I empty the washer into the dryer and fill it with Mini-Me's soiled clothing and the shirt I was wearing that is covered in baby poop.
9:33 a.m. - It's my best friend time! The phone rings and my dearest friend in the whole wide world is on the other end. She starts with her familiar "Duuuuuuuude what's up?" and I feel so comforted. She has no idea what these calls every morning mean to me. We could talk about the random license plates she encounters in the greater Chicago area or the cost of gas and I'd be the happiest woman on earth. We spend about 30 minutes just chatting while I clean the counters & straighten up the house.
10:00 a.m. - It is time for work. I sit down at my desk in the living room and find The Oldest's dirty breakfast dishes. Grrrrr.... If he was home I would make him come & get them and put them into the sink. But it's too late. I make a mental note to tell him of this when he gets home. As I take the dishes into the kitchen I realize I never started the dishwasher and we need dishes. I have a portable dishwasher, not an in-wall kind. After I get it all hooked up and soap filled I turn it on and return to the desk.
10:12 a.m. - Youngest Boy wants to watch The Legend of Zelda dvd for the billionth time. Now.... where are the remotes? Mini-Me is playing with her toys on the floor.
10:16 a.m. - Both the television & DVD remotes are located under my scanner cart and couch. DVD is playing. Mini-Me is content with a beanie baby and her musical steering wheel.
10:20 a.m. - I organize my desk and start my To-Do List for the day: Chapter 13 Plan Calculations & Additional Fee Applications. I need to do math and organize timelines from notes in the system. Somehow I find myself checking Facebook and updating my 30 Day Film Challenge.
10:27 a.m. - I log into work and begin the tasks at hand. By now Mini-Me has crawled over to me to play at my feet. She reaches over and shuts my computer off.
10:33 a.m. - My computer has restarted and I can log back into work. The phone rings. I click "ignore" so that I can focus on what I'm doing.
10:47 a.m. - After I've moved Mini-Me from the area that Youngest Boy is playing at his request he reminds me that he wanted another bowl of cereal please.
10:53 a.m. - The bowls and spoons are in the dishwasher. I offer to make him a pb&j which he is okay with for now.
10:58 a.m. - I return to the living room/desk area to find Mini-Me with a pen in her mouth. I take it away from her and she starts to cry. She is rubbing her eyes and is sleepy. OH YEAH - I forgot to mix formula. I prepare about 32 oz that should get her through the day. As I am doling out the scoops my phone rings again in the living room. I just lost my train of thought and forgot how many that was. Lucky for me I don't put those scoops directly into the water until I have measured them properly. It's time to start over.
11:08 a.m. - Back at the desk with Mini-Me in one arm and bottle in the other hand. I sit down at give her the bottle with one arm. I am tapping keys with the other hand getting work completed.
11:11 a.m. - I close my eyes & make wishes for things that will never come.
11:17 a.m. - Mini-Me is asleep for her morning nap. She is warm and cuddly and I am reminded of my warm. soft bed. Then I'm reminded that I need coffee. My cup is in the kitchen on the counter still. Cold. If I get up I'll wake Mini-Me. So there I sit - plugging away at my work longing for sleep or coffee.
11:45 a.m. - Youngest Boy is hungry again and the dvd has finished playing. He decides to get a snack from the snack drawer and pulls the whole thing down. He snatches the one that he wants and tells me I can have the tv since he wants to play in his room. Mini-Me is now awake again. She doesn't want to go play on the floor or in her excersaucer. She wants me to hold her.
11:52 a.m. - Mini-Me pulls my work off my desk and scatters my papers onto the floor. I move her high chair into the living room next to my desk and place her in it with some puffs & cooked veggies.
12:04 p.m. - Youngest Boy returns to the living room because he wants to play in here with his toys and watch another DVD. I return to work.
12:25 p.m. - Mini-Me has had enough of her lunch and wants out. I wipe her clean and set her tray on the table in the dining room. I really need to finish my work. She is back to playing in the floor only this time Youngest Boy has included her in his game. I watch them play in awe. They look so happy. They are laughing. Mini-Me is putting a blanket on her head and Youngest Boy is finding her. I can't imagine a second of my life without them. I want to sit on the floor and join them. But if I don't work I won't be able to feed them and that's not okay.
1:00 p.m. - I finish one round of work. Finally I get that cup of coffee. Right as Mini-Me poops again. Youngest Boy yells that she stinks. It's up her back. I have to catch her before it gets onto the floor.
1:08 p.m. - Diaper change complete. She resumes her playtime with Youngest Boy.
1:39 p.m. - Youngest Boy would like lunch now. Good thing the dishwasher is done. I prepare his meal and realize I haven't eaten since dinner last night. But I don't have time to fix anything. So I top off my coffee and head back to work.
2:00 p.m. - After 2 phone calls and encouraging kids to play I cannot fight my hunger another second. I go back into the kitchen and toss some leftover spaghetti into a bowl and start the microwave.
2:04 p.m. - Mini-Me is fussing and is bored. I give her some different toys to play with and put her in her excersaucer for some jumping.
2:12 p.m. - Yet another phone call. Since this is the 3rd one from the same person I finally just answer because it's clear she is in dire need. She wants to complain about some poor treatment she got at the doctor. That's all. I am working at the same time. Trying to listen and be a good friend because I do care.
2:43 p.m. - Work is going smoothly. Everyone is happy. The microwave is beeping to remind me that I left my lunch in there forever ago. But Mini-Me has had enough of the excersaucer play. She's ready for another nap. I lay her down and get her to sleep.
3:08 p.m. - The Oldest's bus arrives home. He comes in and Youngest Boy yells. Mini-Me is awake now. I have to get dressed, finally, for the day so that we can go get Middle Son. The Oldest & I talk about his day at school. I instruct him to empty the dishwasher and tell him about him leaving his dishes on the desk.
3:15 p.m. - I head to my bedroom to change out of my pajamas and into my clothes. The cat has been asleep in my pile of clean clothes. Fur is all over them.
3:22 p.m. - The Oldest calls to me from the kitchen asking me what's in the microwave as he is making his after school snack. I forgot my lunch again.
3:28 p.m. - Mini-Me needs to be dressed. Youngest Boy cannot find his socks that he took off earlier. He's screaming at the top of his lungs and hitting himself in the head repeating that he is stupid.
3:30 p.m. - School is out.
3:33 p.m. - We are out the door when I remember that I have to reassemble Mini-Me's car seat.
3:35 p.m. - Youngest Boy slips in the driveway and hurts his knee. He is crying from the pain, for his daddy and for life when daddy was here. I hug him & comfort him and kiss his knee.
3:38 p.m. - We pull out of the driveway and are en route to school.
3:43 p.m. - The Oldest runs into the school to get Middle Son.
3:50 p.m. - We are back at home. The Oldest snags the computer before I get in the door. Middle Son starts his homework which consists of a math paper that he doesn't understand and a book he must read aloud. He is hungry as well and wants a snack. The cupboard is just about bare. I haven't had time to wrangle 4 kids to the grocery store. And my paycheck was spread thin. I had to pay the bills. Ugh.
4:00 p.m. - The Oldest retreats to his bedroom and I go back to work.
4:23 p.m. - Youngest Boy and Middle Son start screaming at each other for control over the video games so that each one can pursue their 30 minute game allotment. They both want the Wii and different games and they both want to go first. Mini-Me is happily crawling to the sliding door so that she can watch the birds & squirrels from the window. I want to sit down next to her or take her outside and play in the yard. At least it's raining out and I don't feel like such a horrible mother.
6:00 p.m. - I've worked and handled the kids' every need. Changed a diaper or 2. Given a bottle. I've separated them and resolved incessant fights. Now it's time to make dinner. The Oldest is helping to hold Mini-Me while I get dinner made. I open the microwave to defrost the ground turkey to find my lunch from earlier.
6:42 p.m. - Dinner is done. The boys take their places at the table and Mini-Me's high chair needs cleaned again so she can eat too. The kids eat while I try to make sense of the mess in the kitchen from making dinner.
6:57 p.m. - I sit down to eat my dinner and it's cold. Mini-Me is finished and wants out. But she needs cleaned up. So I shove 2 bites into my face and resign to getting her out of her seat and transporting her to the bathroom for a hose down. Youngest Boy needs a bath but he doesn't want one. I have to literally strip him of his clothing and put him into the tub. He kicks & screams until he realizes he can play with Mini-Me with the toys. They play for a while and I watch and clean them up.
7:11 p.m. - Mini-Me is the first out of the tub. She is sleepy from the full belly & special bath soap. I clothe her in her jammies.
7:31 p.m. - Youngest Boy has maxed himself out in the bath. He races his naked patoot from the bathroom to his bedroom and comes out wearing his pj shirt as pants and pants as a shirt. He knows it's all on wrong but wants to stay that way. Middle Son has been looking up cheat codes on the computer. The Oldest is back in his room watching Netflix. Or playing his 3DS.
8:03 p.m. - While holding my precious daughter and singing her "You Are My Sunshine" no less than 25 times I get the dishes into the dishwasher and dance with her as to not suffer the same fate tomorrow morning with the measuring spoon.
8:25 p.m. - Something is on television. I'm not sure what but I want to sit with the kids and hear about their days and lives and feelings and viewpoints. So while I give Mini-Me her bottle we chat and simultaneously watch tv. The phone rings but I ignore it because this is the only time I get to spend with them that is not work. I want to bask in it.
9:00 p.m. - It's pick up time. Everyone must pick up their messes and get ready for bed. An inevitable fight between them ensues while I get to my second To Do List of the day and start round 2 of work.
9:30 p.m. - Bed time in the household. The boys head to the bathroom to brush their teeth. They come out and kiss me goodnight. I feel like the most blessed mother in the world.
9:43 p.m. - I return to my desk and begin clacking at the keys again. Flying through work in the quiet peace of the house. Mini-Me tousles every now & then on the couch. But remains asleep.
10:18 p.m. - Another call - It's my sister and I am grateful for her voice too. I love to hear about her day. I work during our conversation. I hope she doesn't think I'm not listening.
11:00 p.m. - I'm 100% focused on work. Until he creeps into my mind. I miss him a little and that is quickly replaced by anger when I see he was using my Netflix account all day to watch movies while I did all of the above.
Until 2-3 a.m. I am working. It's quiet. Sometimes he will text me. He tells me about his ideas for wrestling matches I cannot attend. He pours his heart out about things going on in his life. Never once does he ask me about our day. Sometimes he asks about the kids. For the most part though it's all about him.
There are trips to the doctor or the store or therapy or library or gas station. It may seem like I am complaining. Far from it. I look into 4 sets of eyes every day and am overwhelmed by love. This is my life. I can't imagine being happy not doing this every day.
4:43 a.m. - Mini-Me rustles in her sleep and hunger pangs wake her. I'm in my bed 10 feet in front of her. Just the sounds of her rustling in her crib wakes me. I look at the clock and listen to see if she is just tossing or if she is going to get up. Much to my dismay - it's the latter. She starts to cry. I get up. Hit my shin on the end of the bed and I can't scream because it will scare her. I pick her up, carry her to the kitchen where I open the fridge and realize I didn't prepare formula before I passed out. So I make her a quick 4oz bottle and hope it's enough to top her off and get her back to sleep. We make our way back to the bedroom. I step on a Beyblade one of the boys left in the hall. But I'm so exhausted that I'm too tired to whimper. We crawl into my bed - yeah a big no no- and I give her the bottle and she starts to doze. She finishes it. The sensation of me taking it out of her mouth startles her awake again. The 4oz wasn't enough. We do the above over again. She falls back to sleep around 6:00.
6:47 a.m. - The Oldest is up. He shut his bedroom door and I'm awake again. I nod off just in time to hear him shut the front door which wakes Mini-Me.
7:00 a.m. - We head to the living room as it is clear that she is not going to go back to sleep. I put her in her high chair so that I can prepare breakfast. I give her some baby puffs to tide her over. She is happy & giggling. She picks them up in her beautiful baby fingers and shoves them into her face. I don't even know if my eyes are open. I move the remnants of last nights dinner plates to find my coffee pot. Sweet salvation from the grog. Then I clean off a space on the counter to cut a banana for the baby girl that I love so much.
7:08 a.m. - Middle Son stirs in his room. He wants to watch some cartoons before school. So he turns on the television. Youngest Boy is now up from the sounds of the television.
7:14 a.m. - Youngest Boy comes into the kitchen and asks for a bowl of cereal. At this moment I realize I forgot to turn on the coffee pot. Ugh. I reach into the cabinet to pull out the last clean bowl. I forgot to start the dishwasher last night. Upon pouring the cereal I realize that we have no clean spoons. So I improvise and give him a measuring spoon. I get creative and tell him that it is so he can measure how many tablespoons of cereal he has today. He is pleased and sits down at the table.
7:22 a.m. - I finish sweeping up the scattered baby puffs and banana cubes just in time to hear a familiar splash in the living room. Youngest Boy has taken his bowl of cereal into the living room and, as usual, has spilled it on the floor. I thank God for the hardwood flooring at this point. Youngest Boy runs to grab a towel and comes back with a dishrag that's not nearly big enough to clean the mess. I thank him for the help and remind him that we eat in the kitchen.
7:28 a.m. - Middle Son would like some sausage links. Thankfully these take 45 seconds in the microwave.
7:39 a.m. - I'm off to get weather appropriate clothing for all 3 of them. The clean laundry is sorted into baskets in my bedroom. I haven't had time to fold them. So I dig. The boys watch some television and fight over which program they are going to watch. I have to play referee as I change & dress Mini-Me.
7:50 a.m. - I return to the kitchen to clean the plates & bowls from the boys' breakfast. I rinse Mini-Me's high chair tray to prepare for lunch. Finally I am able to pour my cup of coffee.
8:00 a.m. - I instruct Middle Son to get dressed and get his bookbag together while I pick up the laundry from the living room & kitchen. (Mini-Me's clothing, my socks, some dishrags & the towels from Youngest Boys earlier spill). My alarm in my bedroom is going off. The noise is enough to make me want to scream. I have to run and shut it off. I look at my bed and want to go back to sleep.
8:05 a.m. - Getting the first load of laundry of the day into the washer. Mini-Me is now screaming from the living room and I ask Youngest Boy what he did to her. He was just trying to give her hug. I run to the living room to find her reaching up for me. I carry her back to the laundry room to finish loading it and unloading the dryer onto my bed. With 1 hand.
8:08 a.m. - I remind Middle Son to get dressed for school.
8:13 a.m. - Youngest Boy is now dressed. His pants are on backwards and he is wearing a pajama shirt that belongs to Middle Son. Even his socks are on upside down. I help to re-dress him. We go through the run down of the proper way to dress. He is wiggling and falls off the couch. Crying ensues. He wants daddy. He wishes daddy would come home. He wishes Daddy would leave Katie and come back to us. Middle Son is frustrated now because he can't hear television.
8:17 a.m. - I remind Middle Son AGAIN to get dressed.
8:23 a.m. - I find my own socks so that I can get ready to head out the door.
8:30 a.m. - I have to block the television so that Middle Son will do what I have asked him to do repeatedly. Finally he gets off the couch and gets dressed. His pajamas are strewn onto the floor down the hallway and into his bedroom. I ask him to pick them up and place them into the hamper.
8:37 a.m. - Middle Son cannot find last nights homework. There is a mad hunt through the living & dining room to find it. Mini-Me has now found something random on the floor behind the entertainment center and she has it in her mouth. She is gagging now. I run to pat her back and a nickel falls to the floor. She is crying really hard now.
8:40 a.m. - My phone alarm goes off letting me know that it's time to head out the door to take Middle Son to school.
8:44 a.m. - Youngest Boy cannot find one of his shoes. Middle Son is reenacting some fighting moves he saw on television. He is oblivious to the search for Youngest Boy's shoe. Youngest Boy is crying again. He wants Daddy.
8:52 a.m. - The missing shoe is located under a box in the bedroom. Youngest Boy thanks me for being a wonderful mommy and finding his shoe. We are ready to go.
8:55 a.m. - I reach for my keys on the hook by the front door. They are not there. Youngest Boy used them to open his cash register toy last night and left them somewhere. A mad scramble is on to find my keys.
8:57 a.m. - I give up my search for the keys. I grab the spare and race to the van. I get Mini-Me secured into her car seat. I run to the other side to buckle Youngest Boy in.
8:59 a.m. - I get into the drivers seat and lock my seatbelt and press the button to shut the sliding door. It shuts and then comes back open. Something is stuck in the track. I run over to the side and remove the Easter card my best friend sent me that was wound up in the track. I'd question how it got there and express my sadness over losing the card but who really cares? Just me.
9:00 a.m. - School begins.
9:02 a.m. - I pull out of the driveway and we're off to school.
9:07 a.m. - We arrive at school and Middle Son gets out. He runs to the door and his pants slip down to expose a plumber's crack. I realize he did not put on underwear this morning. I call to him to tell him that he is to put on underwear every single day. He tells me he forgot. Now I send my son to school with no underpants. Let's hope it's not gym day.
9:12 a.m. - We return home. As I get Mini-Me out of her car seat I realize she has pooped. It is up her back, inside her car seat and down her legs. I pull her seat out and take her into the house. Youngest Boy claims the television and announces he is still hungry and would like more breakfast. I explain that I have to clean Mini-Me up first. He misses Daddy again.
9:23 a.m. - I have completed cleaning Mini-Me. As I enter the kitchen to dispose of the dirty diaper & wash my hands I spot my cup of coffee on the counter. It's completely cold.
9:28 a.m. - I empty the washer into the dryer and fill it with Mini-Me's soiled clothing and the shirt I was wearing that is covered in baby poop.
9:33 a.m. - It's my best friend time! The phone rings and my dearest friend in the whole wide world is on the other end. She starts with her familiar "Duuuuuuuude what's up?" and I feel so comforted. She has no idea what these calls every morning mean to me. We could talk about the random license plates she encounters in the greater Chicago area or the cost of gas and I'd be the happiest woman on earth. We spend about 30 minutes just chatting while I clean the counters & straighten up the house.
10:00 a.m. - It is time for work. I sit down at my desk in the living room and find The Oldest's dirty breakfast dishes. Grrrrr.... If he was home I would make him come & get them and put them into the sink. But it's too late. I make a mental note to tell him of this when he gets home. As I take the dishes into the kitchen I realize I never started the dishwasher and we need dishes. I have a portable dishwasher, not an in-wall kind. After I get it all hooked up and soap filled I turn it on and return to the desk.
10:12 a.m. - Youngest Boy wants to watch The Legend of Zelda dvd for the billionth time. Now.... where are the remotes? Mini-Me is playing with her toys on the floor.
10:16 a.m. - Both the television & DVD remotes are located under my scanner cart and couch. DVD is playing. Mini-Me is content with a beanie baby and her musical steering wheel.
10:20 a.m. - I organize my desk and start my To-Do List for the day: Chapter 13 Plan Calculations & Additional Fee Applications. I need to do math and organize timelines from notes in the system. Somehow I find myself checking Facebook and updating my 30 Day Film Challenge.
10:27 a.m. - I log into work and begin the tasks at hand. By now Mini-Me has crawled over to me to play at my feet. She reaches over and shuts my computer off.
10:33 a.m. - My computer has restarted and I can log back into work. The phone rings. I click "ignore" so that I can focus on what I'm doing.
10:47 a.m. - After I've moved Mini-Me from the area that Youngest Boy is playing at his request he reminds me that he wanted another bowl of cereal please.
10:53 a.m. - The bowls and spoons are in the dishwasher. I offer to make him a pb&j which he is okay with for now.
10:58 a.m. - I return to the living room/desk area to find Mini-Me with a pen in her mouth. I take it away from her and she starts to cry. She is rubbing her eyes and is sleepy. OH YEAH - I forgot to mix formula. I prepare about 32 oz that should get her through the day. As I am doling out the scoops my phone rings again in the living room. I just lost my train of thought and forgot how many that was. Lucky for me I don't put those scoops directly into the water until I have measured them properly. It's time to start over.
11:08 a.m. - Back at the desk with Mini-Me in one arm and bottle in the other hand. I sit down at give her the bottle with one arm. I am tapping keys with the other hand getting work completed.
11:11 a.m. - I close my eyes & make wishes for things that will never come.
11:17 a.m. - Mini-Me is asleep for her morning nap. She is warm and cuddly and I am reminded of my warm. soft bed. Then I'm reminded that I need coffee. My cup is in the kitchen on the counter still. Cold. If I get up I'll wake Mini-Me. So there I sit - plugging away at my work longing for sleep or coffee.
11:45 a.m. - Youngest Boy is hungry again and the dvd has finished playing. He decides to get a snack from the snack drawer and pulls the whole thing down. He snatches the one that he wants and tells me I can have the tv since he wants to play in his room. Mini-Me is now awake again. She doesn't want to go play on the floor or in her excersaucer. She wants me to hold her.
11:52 a.m. - Mini-Me pulls my work off my desk and scatters my papers onto the floor. I move her high chair into the living room next to my desk and place her in it with some puffs & cooked veggies.
12:04 p.m. - Youngest Boy returns to the living room because he wants to play in here with his toys and watch another DVD. I return to work.
12:25 p.m. - Mini-Me has had enough of her lunch and wants out. I wipe her clean and set her tray on the table in the dining room. I really need to finish my work. She is back to playing in the floor only this time Youngest Boy has included her in his game. I watch them play in awe. They look so happy. They are laughing. Mini-Me is putting a blanket on her head and Youngest Boy is finding her. I can't imagine a second of my life without them. I want to sit on the floor and join them. But if I don't work I won't be able to feed them and that's not okay.
1:00 p.m. - I finish one round of work. Finally I get that cup of coffee. Right as Mini-Me poops again. Youngest Boy yells that she stinks. It's up her back. I have to catch her before it gets onto the floor.
1:08 p.m. - Diaper change complete. She resumes her playtime with Youngest Boy.
1:39 p.m. - Youngest Boy would like lunch now. Good thing the dishwasher is done. I prepare his meal and realize I haven't eaten since dinner last night. But I don't have time to fix anything. So I top off my coffee and head back to work.
2:00 p.m. - After 2 phone calls and encouraging kids to play I cannot fight my hunger another second. I go back into the kitchen and toss some leftover spaghetti into a bowl and start the microwave.
2:04 p.m. - Mini-Me is fussing and is bored. I give her some different toys to play with and put her in her excersaucer for some jumping.
2:12 p.m. - Yet another phone call. Since this is the 3rd one from the same person I finally just answer because it's clear she is in dire need. She wants to complain about some poor treatment she got at the doctor. That's all. I am working at the same time. Trying to listen and be a good friend because I do care.
2:43 p.m. - Work is going smoothly. Everyone is happy. The microwave is beeping to remind me that I left my lunch in there forever ago. But Mini-Me has had enough of the excersaucer play. She's ready for another nap. I lay her down and get her to sleep.
3:08 p.m. - The Oldest's bus arrives home. He comes in and Youngest Boy yells. Mini-Me is awake now. I have to get dressed, finally, for the day so that we can go get Middle Son. The Oldest & I talk about his day at school. I instruct him to empty the dishwasher and tell him about him leaving his dishes on the desk.
3:15 p.m. - I head to my bedroom to change out of my pajamas and into my clothes. The cat has been asleep in my pile of clean clothes. Fur is all over them.
3:22 p.m. - The Oldest calls to me from the kitchen asking me what's in the microwave as he is making his after school snack. I forgot my lunch again.
3:28 p.m. - Mini-Me needs to be dressed. Youngest Boy cannot find his socks that he took off earlier. He's screaming at the top of his lungs and hitting himself in the head repeating that he is stupid.
3:30 p.m. - School is out.
3:33 p.m. - We are out the door when I remember that I have to reassemble Mini-Me's car seat.
3:35 p.m. - Youngest Boy slips in the driveway and hurts his knee. He is crying from the pain, for his daddy and for life when daddy was here. I hug him & comfort him and kiss his knee.
3:38 p.m. - We pull out of the driveway and are en route to school.
3:43 p.m. - The Oldest runs into the school to get Middle Son.
3:50 p.m. - We are back at home. The Oldest snags the computer before I get in the door. Middle Son starts his homework which consists of a math paper that he doesn't understand and a book he must read aloud. He is hungry as well and wants a snack. The cupboard is just about bare. I haven't had time to wrangle 4 kids to the grocery store. And my paycheck was spread thin. I had to pay the bills. Ugh.
4:00 p.m. - The Oldest retreats to his bedroom and I go back to work.
4:23 p.m. - Youngest Boy and Middle Son start screaming at each other for control over the video games so that each one can pursue their 30 minute game allotment. They both want the Wii and different games and they both want to go first. Mini-Me is happily crawling to the sliding door so that she can watch the birds & squirrels from the window. I want to sit down next to her or take her outside and play in the yard. At least it's raining out and I don't feel like such a horrible mother.
6:00 p.m. - I've worked and handled the kids' every need. Changed a diaper or 2. Given a bottle. I've separated them and resolved incessant fights. Now it's time to make dinner. The Oldest is helping to hold Mini-Me while I get dinner made. I open the microwave to defrost the ground turkey to find my lunch from earlier.
6:42 p.m. - Dinner is done. The boys take their places at the table and Mini-Me's high chair needs cleaned again so she can eat too. The kids eat while I try to make sense of the mess in the kitchen from making dinner.
6:57 p.m. - I sit down to eat my dinner and it's cold. Mini-Me is finished and wants out. But she needs cleaned up. So I shove 2 bites into my face and resign to getting her out of her seat and transporting her to the bathroom for a hose down. Youngest Boy needs a bath but he doesn't want one. I have to literally strip him of his clothing and put him into the tub. He kicks & screams until he realizes he can play with Mini-Me with the toys. They play for a while and I watch and clean them up.
7:11 p.m. - Mini-Me is the first out of the tub. She is sleepy from the full belly & special bath soap. I clothe her in her jammies.
7:31 p.m. - Youngest Boy has maxed himself out in the bath. He races his naked patoot from the bathroom to his bedroom and comes out wearing his pj shirt as pants and pants as a shirt. He knows it's all on wrong but wants to stay that way. Middle Son has been looking up cheat codes on the computer. The Oldest is back in his room watching Netflix. Or playing his 3DS.
8:03 p.m. - While holding my precious daughter and singing her "You Are My Sunshine" no less than 25 times I get the dishes into the dishwasher and dance with her as to not suffer the same fate tomorrow morning with the measuring spoon.
8:25 p.m. - Something is on television. I'm not sure what but I want to sit with the kids and hear about their days and lives and feelings and viewpoints. So while I give Mini-Me her bottle we chat and simultaneously watch tv. The phone rings but I ignore it because this is the only time I get to spend with them that is not work. I want to bask in it.
9:00 p.m. - It's pick up time. Everyone must pick up their messes and get ready for bed. An inevitable fight between them ensues while I get to my second To Do List of the day and start round 2 of work.
9:30 p.m. - Bed time in the household. The boys head to the bathroom to brush their teeth. They come out and kiss me goodnight. I feel like the most blessed mother in the world.
9:43 p.m. - I return to my desk and begin clacking at the keys again. Flying through work in the quiet peace of the house. Mini-Me tousles every now & then on the couch. But remains asleep.
10:18 p.m. - Another call - It's my sister and I am grateful for her voice too. I love to hear about her day. I work during our conversation. I hope she doesn't think I'm not listening.
11:00 p.m. - I'm 100% focused on work. Until he creeps into my mind. I miss him a little and that is quickly replaced by anger when I see he was using my Netflix account all day to watch movies while I did all of the above.
Until 2-3 a.m. I am working. It's quiet. Sometimes he will text me. He tells me about his ideas for wrestling matches I cannot attend. He pours his heart out about things going on in his life. Never once does he ask me about our day. Sometimes he asks about the kids. For the most part though it's all about him.
There are trips to the doctor or the store or therapy or library or gas station. It may seem like I am complaining. Far from it. I look into 4 sets of eyes every day and am overwhelmed by love. This is my life. I can't imagine being happy not doing this every day.
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