Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Bright Side is Suicide

Several weeks ago, one of my nearest and dearest friends witnessed a human being become a memory in the hearts and minds of his loved ones.  This happened some two thousand miles away and far from my front door.  We didn't talk directly about it.  But this moment,in social networking updates of the past, has impacted me so much so that I'm writing this to you, right now.

My youngest, who is now 5 (yes, blog slacker, I know) and started his first day of kindergarten, has a morbid side to him.  He talks about death regularly.  Curiosity, fear, immortality, bravery - they are just small facets of these discussions.  He asks me if I will still love him when I'm dead.  I reassure him that my love is not something he will ever have to worry about.  I explain that the love of a mommy is the strongest love ever.  And it brings me to tears, every time.  There's a pain associated with it that aches my core.  I can, literally, feel it in my heart.

Then, another, ugly thought creeps into my soul.  That person, the one who was ended, by a gunshot, that person had a mother.  Maybe she was like me.  Maybe she looked into the eyes of her young son and felt pangs of terror in the thought that one day - their physical bond would be severed.  But hers came true.  Someone, in one instant, put an end to some mommy's baby.  She felt his first flutters in the womb.  She cried, tears of joy, at ultrasound pictures.  She helped him get ready for his first day of school.  She kissed his hurties away and rushed to his room at night when he had a bad dream.  She's now missing her baby.  Crying at the mention of his name.  Falling asleep with a shirt that still smells like him or clutching his picture in her hand.  She will go the remainder of her life - wondering about what he'd be like today.  Would he have kids?  What would he have been?

That could be my youngest someday.  Or my Stormykins.  Or my Tabasco.  Or my Mini-Me.  Someday, it could be one of my babies that is slumped over, lifeless, on a sidewalk.  And it's completely out of my control.  I created these people, devote every second of my life to them, nurture them, teach them, hug them, hold them, laugh with them, watch them grow - and someone could get pissed off and take that away from me.  From the world and rob one of these babies of the life they have planned.  So I make it a point - every single day that I'm blessed to share life with these beautiful creatures - to be a little less angry when they dump milk on the carpet, break my possessions, interrupt my sleep, or take my last piece of candy.  I wish, somehow, someway, when one person goes to take the life of another, they could, for an instant, see that person through the eyes of their mommies.  I wish they could see how precious life truly is.

It makes me want to go back in time.  I know - kind of a left field thought, right?  Well, there was a time when I was hell bent for death.  I wanted so much to end myself.  Obviously, I lost that particular battle.  For which I am grateful.  Every single day. I want to put my hand on the shoulder of the troubled girl 20 years my junior, look into her tear filled eyes and tell her - There will come a day when you will want to live forever.  I want to sit her down and tell her that one day she will value life so much that hearing of the demise of a stranger will hurt her heart.  I want to explain to her that the pain she feels that drives her to this point, has an end.  Those moment where death seems like a release - they will be replaced with smiles and laughter.  I wish I could tell her that there will be rough spots, hurdles, pain - but those moments will be negated.  The hurt will be diminished.  Someday - she will look out of her backdoor, watch her baby daughter play happily with her brothers and death will be the furthest thing from her mind.  Because life gets better.

Maybe that walk in the darkness, those nights of wishing there'd be no morning, maybe that experience helped me appreciate the utter beauty of life.  There is no pain, no anger, no tangible thing, no emotion, no dollar bill, no NOTHING - worth taking a life for (including your own).