I've done some incredibly stupid things in my life. Once, when I was 5 or so I decided that I was going to make my 'rents laugh so hard that they'd have no choice but to commission a parade in my honor. Ever watched Dumb & Dumber? There's this scene where Lloyd (Jim Carrey) imagines that he shows up to Mary Swanson's house with her missing briefcase and in celebration & thanks her family invites him in for tea and strumpets. They are all sitting by the fireplace in oversized sweaters, cozy & warm, watching Lloyd do incredibly funny things with a lighter and a fart. They all love him. Yeah - that's kinda how I thought this would be. My aunt Joyce was in from Tennessee. My mum didn't get to see her often. So they were all sitting around the fire in the living room, looking at old photographs and talking about the good ole days. I was in the dining room rummaging through my mum's sewing box that was left on the table. Looking through her things was one of my favorite pastimes. In my adventure (In my head it was an archaeological dig) I came across this lone button. It was safely housed in a tiny, ziploc baggie. I opened the bag and took the small, red button out and the cogs started turning in my head. How can I use this little treasure to insight riotous laughter into the family in the next room? Ah - With my NOSE! The thought was that I can take this button, place it in the opening of my nostril, cover the other nostril and blow that button out so hard that it goes flying across the room. They will love me. The flaw in this glorious plan was that I breathed in really hard so that I could exhale really hard. Can you guess where the button went?
There was no laughter. Only fear, panic, some words inappropriate for a young child's ears and a disbursement of the crowd. I was scooped up into my mum's arms and placed in the car. My dad put on his jacket and got his keys. Off we went to the Emergency Room. Some time later I was prepped for surgery. The red button had made it's way into my sinus cavity and could not be reached with tweezers. We departed the hospital just in time for my Aunt to fly back to Tennessee. She died about 6 months later. I decided that I wouldn't try that again any time soon. I went on to commit some other interesting acts of stupidity - Tweezers into the electrical outlet no less than two times, feeding my friend real mud pies, washing my 'rents antique, wooden bedroom suite with Ajax, dropping my newborn sister on her ginormous head.... The list could go on!
A few years ago, Ex Douchebag & I decided to resurrect a notoriously violent wrestling promotion. He has an affinity for certain brands of hardcore wrestling - namely tables, ladders & chairs (TLC Matches). I've often feared for his life in the hundreds upon hundreds of matches I witnessed. Only once have I ever walked out of a show He was climbing a ladder when it started to sway and subsequently fell over. He got tangled in the ropes and I couldn't tell you what happened after that. I left. He went on to participate in quite a few more of these nauseating matches that terrified me to the core. The day of the show he purchased an ugly, aluminum, yellow, 6ft ladder. I watched helplessly as he climbed to the top and our friend, knocked him off. Repeatedly. This ladder bent and folded and opened and closed.... Generally, you don't want to re-use those ladders after they take that type of abuse. When Ex Douchebag & I split up and I moved out of our home I left many of his things behind, mostly his old weapons - a table, a folding chair, trashcans. He was supposed to go pick those things up. But for some reason I couldn't leave that hideous ladder behind. Not sure why, it's not like I can use the derned thing. I have zero intentions of ever using a ladder for anything at any time. If I can't stand on a chair then I don't need it.
Well - I ate my words today. This morning was going so well. I got up on time, got the kids dressed and ready, got The Middle Son to an appointment on time (a first!) and was generally in an incredible mood. Pulled into the driveway, unloaded The Middle Son & The Youngest Boy and proceeded to rouse a slumbering Mini-Me. The boys sat on the chairs on the front porch to wait. I decided to just give them my keys so they could get out of the heat. As a Public Service Announcement - I can't throw. Unless I'm REALLY angry. Throwing like a girl is an understatement. With my left hand I went to toss The Middle Son my house/car keys. And as if on purpose - my keys sailed through the blue sky right smack dab onto my roof and trailed down into the gutter.
You've got to be kidding me. Really? Landing in the bushes I can understand and even expect. Hell - landing 823 feet from the intended target would normally be the result. Not today. Today they land on the roof. I can't decide to laugh or cry. So I laughed. And then reality started to creep it's way up my spine. Oh no. How am I going to get them down? There's no chair tall enough to reach my roof. I am a towering 5'1". This cannot be really happening, right? Alan Funt is about to pop out any second and point out the multiple hidden cameras and explain how they used a superpowered magnet to set me up.... How'd they know I always keep a spare house key on my person at all times?
My only option is to dig that unreliable ladder out of the garage and retrieve my keys from what I am sure is a slimy, filthy gutter. I'm envisioning worms, maggots and the full menu from Fear Factor in there. After I instructed The Oldest to mail my updated life insurance policy which happened to be sitting on the computer desk in the event that I fell - I headed to the garage. Bravely I got the ladder to the front of the house. I can see where it's been bent and damaged from the last time it was used. Joe Rogan is somewhere behind me telling me not to throw up. Quickly I climb one rung at a time until I reach the point of no return. I feel around and cannot locate my keys. I have to take another step. If I fall it's really going to hurt. I spy my Wonder Woman keychain, grab her feet and pull her towards me. Shockingly, it's clean in there! But I'm not going to risk standing there examining any more of it! Got down and away without injury or incident.
I won't be throwing my keys again though. Ever.
