People You May Know

Originally written on April 29, 2015-

Yesterday, I was browsing Facebook from my phone.  Skimming posts containing updates of riots in Baltimore, what everyone was having for lunch, crochet patterns and clever memes with The Most Interesting Man in the World, when my eyes met her face.  There she was – smiling with her mouth partly open, some bearded guy at her side  - under the title of “People You May Know” – my ex husband’s mistress. 

It’s been close to 5 years since I first encountered her name.  It’s been a good long time since I gave her a thought.  I have been happily rid of her and the object of her desires for quite a while.  There was the time she followed me on Pinterest.  Then the time when I was pitching my ex’s leftover possessions from my new home and some things she had given him were in the boxes.  Fortunately, most of her memory has been eliminated from the minds of my children as well.  (Unless we are talking about why The Middle Son despises his father and his plans to change his last name when he is old enough and why he doesn’t want me to fix his birth certificate to reflect his “father”.)  The Youngest Boy was too young to retain many of those memories.  Mini-Me was just an infant.  The Oldest remembers, but she’s one of those things that is only of negative significance and has long since been healed. Like the blank spot left after a tooth has been pulled. You can run your tongue across it and remember the sensation but the pain is gone. 

Years ago, the simple sight of her brought me to tears.  She was the last in a long line of side dishes my then husband sampled.  The torment she brought to my soul and to our family was unspeakable.  Though, the responsibility lies solely on the shoulders of her boyfriend who was supposed to be faithful and put his family first.  Instead, he used her.  He played games with her.  He’d bounce in and out of our marital home while she was away at school and none the wiser.  I was the wife.  I was the pregnant wife.  She was the intruder.  I didn’t and don’t owe her a damned thing.  And he picked her.  I did make an attempt to warn her of what she was getting into.  I tried to spare her the shit storm that she was about to enter.  But, being all of 18 – she already knew more than my 33 year old self did. 

That’s a hard blow to take when you are pregnant and watching your 3 children cry on a daily basis over the loss of their father for reasons they were too young to comprehend.  Until you have walked that path, you don’t know.  You don’t understand what that pain drives you to do.  You have no idea how you will react.  You just know that you have a hand that you don’t know how to play.  It’s a feeling of repudiation.  I was good enough to create a child with but she was the one good enough to run to afterwards.  In my mind at the time, this was the most difficult fact to absorb.  It took a lot of growth and thought to come to the realization that this was not rejection.  This was taking the easy way out.  She was a child.  A teenager – and too immature to see what she was doing.  She thought she was being chosen, she thought she was adored, she thought she was loved.  She was just easier.  They could live in this little fantasy world of song lyrics and dreams of Paris vacations, comparing their relationship with The Notebook and Hollywood promises.  But reality was that he was a broke, married guy that abandoned his family for the first piece of ass that bought his lines.  She was just too inexperienced to see it.  I felt bad for her.  How low is your self esteem when you will accept this as a “prize” that you “won”? 

She went for my children.  She made my unborn daughter the butt end of some joke.  She sent a fake email to my ex, knowing I had his email password, where she stated how excited she was that he was going to take care of their baby, planning a nursery, and picking out baby names.  She wasn't pregnant. What kind of person does that?  If that was my daughter behaving that way – I’d be mortified.  It would probably play out similarly to the #MomOfTheYear in the current riots.  Being with the right person is supposed to make you want to be a better human.  Was that better?  I’ll never understand.  But I fought back the best way you can when you are losing a battle for what is rightfully supposed to be yours.  Eventually, he came crawling back home with his tail between in legs and in the most cowardly way possible.  He left her a note and was gone before she came home one night.  He ignored her texts.  He declined her calls.  And nothing about it felt like a win.  Nothing about it was right and I told him so. 

In spite of the wretched behavior she exhibited – coming to my home, telling my children to call her “mom”, playing mind games that only children play – I have come to owe her my most sincere thanks.  Thank you, Katie, for the sleepless nights, for the awful things you did, for the part you played in the crashing burn of my marriage, for the hits to my self esteem,  for convincing Ex Douchebag to stay gone, for convincing him to file the divorce papers, for all of the parts you played.  Boy, did it hurt at the time.  But in retrospect – It was the greatest gift you could have ever given someone.  It was so easy for him to go, it was so easy for him to choose you, it was so easy to keep him away – you showed us what he was really made of.  You exposed him for the person that he was.  I became stronger than I ever thought possible in the process.  I saw through my sham of a marriage.  My backbone was already pretty solid but this experience strengthened it more than I realized.  I learned not to settle for anything less than the best.  I learned that I don’t need help to raise kids or even give birth.  I found out what I was made of.  I grew patience and understanding that I didn’t know I was capable of.  I discovered who my true friends were.  And, the door opened between Darling Husband and me. We reconnected after 15 years during that time. That, in and of itself, made all of those painful things worthwhile. 

I offer my most gracious and sincere extension of gratitude to her, and her family.  From it came so much positivity and happiness that I almost can’t even express it with words.  Ex Douchebag and his terrible family moved back to Texas.  My children have the most incredible step-father that loves them, takes care of them, sets an example for, teaches them, and is always there for them.  I have the husband that I deserve – he works hard, he’s loyal, he’s loving, he puts family first, he’s honest, he’s trustworthy, and he makes me laugh every single day.  He is talented, sweet, thoughtful, and gorgeous.  From a terrible act came such tremendous love.  I’m not bitter or angry anymore (I will still tell it like it is).  I’m just grateful.  I hope that she grows up, finds real love, and never has to experience what she helped do to my children and me.  I hope that she loves herself more now than she did then.  I hope that she develops camaraderie with other women and never wants to compete against another one for the affections of a man (or for any other reason).  I hope that she does something good with this experience.  I forgive her.   

So, Facebook, I’ll pass on the suggestion.  We’re already familiar and that’s enough for me.