As the mother of four, I pretty much feel like I've seen it all. My kids are weird. I accept that. Even adore it.
The Oldest has done everything from super gluing his mouth shut to getting a cellulitis in his foot from a TOOTHPICK to creating a character named "Count Buttula" for his numerous bandage changes from his surgery (complete with accent). The Middle Son has de-pants-ed (sp?) The Oldest in the middle of Dollar General, in front of about 30 other shoppers, and hacked Disney's website, by age 10. Mini-Me has painted hardwood floors bright red and worn 3 shirts at once because she couldn't decide on what to wear.
And then there's The Youngest Boy. He's the most creative when it comes to mischief. And when he does something - he REALLY does it. Slid on a book once resulting in 10 stitches and a broken jaw. Learned beatboxing when he was 3. Tripped over his Woody Talk doll and managed to force his tooth through his cheek. For the most part, I don't really get rattled anymore when there's a scream, crash, or phone call from the school. So, of course, there had to be something to throw me off of my 17 year Mom game, and The Youngest Boy was the one to do it.
Yesterday, he came home from school with prizes from phys ed class. He'd ran more laps around the track or something. He got these 2, small, 1/4 inch thick, 1/2 inch tall, plastic charms. One was a blue school house (which I joked was the Tardis) and the other was a fluorescent yellow apple. He was very proud. He placed them on the coffee table, next to his milk. (can you see where this is going? BECAUSE I DIDN'T) The phone rings, it's my sister, we start our usual conversations. A few minutes later, he starts lightly panicking. I divert my attention from the call to the child with the freaked out look on his face. This is when he informs me that he accidentally swallowed the apple charm.
By accident.
He was reaching for his drink, when he mistakenly picked up the charm from the table, and ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT.
Yes.
That's what he tells me.
Seriously.
Um.
W. T. F.
While the majority of me is confused, the other part of me is worried. You see, my kids haven't ever swallowed foreign objects before today. None of them. Boogers, cat food, latex paint, super glue, a Skittle from the Orchestra room floor- yes, toys- no. So, I'm not really sure how to proceed here. My sister is a medical assistant, so I ask her if this warrants an E.R. visit. I mean, it's been a few months since our last trip. It'd be nice to know if they have any new flavors in the slushy machine. She wasn't sure. I decided I'd just call the pediatrician. He's not choking or anything. Just a little weirded out.
The pediatrician is on my "Favorite" list on my iPhone, for obvious reasons. I already know to press 5 for the nurse. And I'm on hold for a few minutes. About 5 minutes later I'm explaining this story to a sweet, young nurse. She decides to consult one of the doctors due to the size of the toy. Several minutes later, she's explaining what to do from here. Something about 2 weeks, watch his bowel movements, keep an eye on stomach pains, yadda yadda yadda....
Then it happens.
He starts coughing. His face reddens. His eyes are bulging. He's grabbing his throat. He's garbling "It's.................. coming................... back .............. up....." The nurse on the other end starts to flip. I was preparing for CPR. She frantically asks me if I need for her to call 9-1-1. I'm trying to keep a cool head in case I need to save his life - or catch as the toy projectiles from his face. And then....
Then....
THEN HE PROCEEDS TO LAUGH. He was kidding about the choking.
Give the kid an Oscar.
Of course I got off of the phone prior to beating him but those were a close few seconds.
I've been sentenced to 2 weeks of Doody Inspection. I'm going to make a badge to wear for it. Then keep it in a box with the Mowing Tiara and my Mother of the Year awards.
