I wrote this almost exactly 3 years ago and it was so funny that I had to share it again.
Sweet Tooth Saves Family of 4
Article by Anastasia Beaverhousen
Somewhere In, Ohio - A late night craving for a Peanut Butter Blossom cookie is being heralded as the hero in an early morning fire in a local duplex. Ms. Ever After mother of 3 boys, laid down on her couch to catch up on some television when she started to feel sleepy. Knowing that she had several baskets of wet clothes that needed to dry she set her cell phone alarm to wake her at 3:15 a.m. At approximately 2:45 a.m. Ms. Ever After decided to succumb to her sweet tooth in lieu of taking a nap.
"I sat down and started to doze off, ya know, and then I wanted a cookie," stated Ms. Ever After. "I got up and went to the pantry, grabbed the bag of cookies - you know, my sons and I made these cookies on Sunday and they are so good - and went back to watch Top Chef. I'm rooting for Hosea and he won the challenge! I've picked all the recent winners of reality shows - Project Runway and Bob on Survivor is my favorite." That's when she states she heard something strange coming from the wall. "That's when I heard something strange coming from the wall. It sounded like buzzing. You know, like on that Powder movie when he made that Jacob's Ladder flip the (explicative deleted) out! And I thought 'What the (explicative deleted) was what?' and then I saw black smoke and I was like 'whoa'." This is the moment where, according to the fire chief, quick thinking was the most important.
"I jumped up off the couch and check the tree lights and they were okay" she explained, "and then I realized it was coming from under the entertainment center." It was at this point where Ms. Ever After ran to her pantry and removed the fire extinguisher that she had purchased for her estranged husband as a gag gift following an April fire in a wrestling ring. "I don't think I even had time to read the instructions. I just followed my instinct and sprayed." Unfortunately, her efforts to snuff the fire would go on in vain. As the room started to fill with smoke and fire extinguisher spray it became more and more difficult to breathe. "My youngest boy, he's 2 you know, was asleep on the couch less that 4 feet away. When I couldn't get the fire to stay out I grabbed him and ran to the phone." Her two other children were asleep in bedrooms upstairs.
"I called Mike to come over since, you know, the water pump on my car is out and I had no heat and he could take the kids with him if he needed to. Since all the holiday presents were in the garage I couldn't put the kids in there." She then called 9-1-1 and rushed to get her children outside to safety. A local police officer was able to halt the flow of electricity to the fire which immediately put the fire out. Fire Department crews responded quickly and were able to determine the cause of the fire as an overloaded extension cord. "Hell, I didn't know that there was an extension cord even back there, let alone with piggybacked adapters in it." Not a mistake that this family will make again.
When interviewed, the fire chief explained that this is the time of year for Christmas lights to cause fires and they fully expected it to be the lights when they came in. Had Ms. Ever After fallen asleep the results would have been disastrous. By the time the smoke would have reached the smoke detector in the hall, it could have been too late. An hour and a half later the family was able to safely return to their home. "I'm so glad that I paid up my Renter's Insurance. I'm gonna be rich!!! This is like winning the lotto, like them guys in Piqua just did. Only mine was a fire and not worth $207,000,000.00." Total estimated damage came to roughly $100. "Now maybe I can get me some new carpet from my landlord. That'd be awesome! Shoo Wee am I glad that I wanted that cookie!"
Everyone was able to make it out of the house safely and no one was injured. Ms. Ever After probably should have been treated for smoke inhalation but instead smoked a cigarette. The most difficult situation that this family has to handle is cleaning up all of the soot and powder. When we inquired about her plans for clean up Ms. Ever After had this to say "Damn, I ain't ever gonna git that (explicative deleted) out of my (explicative deleted) carpet, clothes, hair and mouth. This (explicative deleted) sucks!"
