Saturday, April 20, 2013

Does This Beast Have A Name?

There is a horror of untold levels lurking at my door step.  I can hear it's footsteps as it draws closer to me.  A panic sets in, the fear takes control, my limbs feel like weights and each bated breath is agony.  With a trainwreck like curiosity, I risk detection to peer through the fisheye lens of the peephole.  It knows I'm looking.  It's ghastly mug is strategically placed on the other side of the door, almost like it knew I was going to spy.  My chest heaves in an attempt to quell my nearly inaudible gasp.  My hand is on the doorknob in futile effort to bar it's entrance.  The metal has become white hot and my palm is scorched.  But I know that if I cry out, it will hear me.  It will sense my fear and know it has me.  If I can hold out for just a little bit longer - maybe it will go away to feast upon some other victim before it comes back to devour me.  It patiently waits, knowing that there is a guaranteed meal on the opposite side of this thin slat of wood.  It has the strength to reduce this home to rubble.  I can sense it.  I saw the souls of its previous prey in it's eyes, I could see their terror trapped inside, their essences now the trophy of this terrifying beast.  And it's hungry, waiting for me.

So many things are running through my head now.  My children.  Their beautiful faces, their enchanting personalities.  It will come back for them, won't it?  There's so much we have left to do.  So many places to go and adventures to have.  I want to see them grow.  I want to hold them all again.  My instinct is to call out for them, draw them close, tell them that I love them - but do I want them to witness this gruesome act?  Do I want them to see this monstrosity consume my skin and bones?  I want to see my grandchildren someday.  There are so many things I have left to teach them and share with them.  Pain to kiss away, hugs to give, pride to express, graduations to plan, weddings to attend.  Soccer games, driver's ed, doctor's appointments. My sister - how I love her so in ways she will probably never know.  We've been through everything in our lives together. Nieces and nephews to meet.  My bestie - she's so far away, but soon this will knock on her door.  We have game shows to be contestants on. I miss her terribly and wish I could see her face again before I'm this fiends lunch.  My mom, in all of her eccentricities, I want to hear another of her crazy tales.

My thoughts race to the things I still want and need to do.  The book - write, inspire, tell my uninhibited story, share my life, maybe reach into someone else and get them to feel what I felt.  I think of the last cigarette I smoked, the way it tickled the back of my throat before descending to my lungs - I'll never touch another.  My "mom" and "dad".  This came for them once, and now we're a step closer to our reunion.  There are flowers to be planted outside.  There are desserts to eat.  Cabin trips to make.  England someday.  Aspirations of political nature.  I spent too much time on the computer, not enough time doing the things that mattered.  There are childhood friends I want to see again.  I want to make my dreams a reality.  I want to sing really bad karaoke, eat sushi again, have cake for breakfast.  Camping, roller coasters, books to read, Christmas lights, vacuuming, horseback rides, hikes, family pictures, being a pin up, meet Alton Brown.

What have I learned from life?  Grateful I took no shit.  I stood up for myself.  I put my family first.  Never forgot who I was/am.   No one ever broke me to the point where I couldn't be fixed.   Happy with the reflection in the mirror, both the shell and it's contents. Found the lesson in everything, even when I didn't want to.  Discovered that cliches are true.  Experienced such splendors as criminal activity, drugs, alcohol, friends, church, embarrassing moments, heartbreak, tears, happiness beyond measure, true friendship, unconditional love, anorexia, rape, fights, love, hugs, loss, grief, music, kissing a girl, pretty shoes, creme brulee, coffee, tiramisu, laughing, children, animals, poverty, high school, college, work, psychic friends, HDTV, smiles, forgiveness, and fuzzy socks ..... I'd do it all over again in an instant.

These trials inspire fight, strength, fortitude.  With my back against the door, I muster the courage to wage war.  I channel my inner Buffy Summers.  Only, there is no tangible weapon with which to slay this demon.  I give myself one last pep talk, play a mental video of flashes of moments of my life, set it to Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down" and pull open the door.  I come face to face with this vicious creature and lock eyes.  It's breath is steaming against my skin.  We stand there, sizing each other up, looking for an Achilles Heal, evaluating armour for chinks.  It reaches under it's dusty cloak to draw the object of my demise. It moves closer to me, opens it's giant skeletal hand and reveals unspeakable evil -

35 pristine birthday candles.

It smiles at me, bearing razor sharp teeth, bows, and walks away.