Monday, July 4, 2016

Conversations with Anorexia


"These pants don't fit anymore.  They are too tight.  I'm not a size 4." - Me

She replies, "It's because you are fat."

"But, I was eating like a 'normal' person.  I wasn't restricting.  I wasn't counting.  I only stepped on that scale twice and that's because I was holding my purse and it was kind of heavy so I put it down to get a real weight.  And I subtracted 3 pounds because I shouldn't be punished because I was wearing clothes.  I just participated in life, like I was supposed to."

And she said "Now, you have muffin top.  And if you bend over in those jeans, the ass is going to rip out.  And your reunion is coming up so all of your flaws will be on display.  They will judge you just as they did before.  But, I can help you.  See those fat rolls?  See that extra chin starting to appear?  See that ring that your husband gave you that's sitting in a box because you gained 10 pounds?  See those cute pants in the closet that are too small?  I can fix all of that.  And you'll be happy again."


I know what I should have said to her.  I should have said to her - "A size 6 isn't the end of the world.  It means I need new pants and that I should clear out this closet.  It means that I really enjoyed the desserts with my family and all of the garlic bread nights.  It means that where I was at the time mattered more to me than perfectionism.  My pants size doesn't define me.  I like the taste of food.  My hair isn't falling out.  My gums don't bleed all the time.  My periods are almost normal again.   I can go outside without a jacket. "

But I let everything else speak for me.  I let 2 years of a crazy workplace speak for me.  Some stupid racist bitch, a misogynist pig of a boss, the office slut that slept her way to the top - I let them take the wheel.  I let the new boss who made rape jokes and disgusting comments about my body speak for me. I let the rejection letter for my writing take over.   I let every asshole in my life, every *thing* that I can't control, every bad feeling, every annoyance - I gave them the reins.  Because if I stood up for myself instead of letting everyone in my life have constant input and control - they'd get upset.  It's much simpler if I just sit here, quietly.  

Instead my response went more like this - 

"Maybe for just a little while.  Just until my pants fit again.  Just until I can look in the mirror and not be disgusted with the reflection.  It'll only take a few weeks.  I can drop 10 and it'll be easy.  Then, when I am back down to that, I can maintain it with clean eating and Pilates.  Just until I feel better....."