Breaking out my best Leia impression and mustering up my calmest, least snarkiest, most empowering, annoyed, sarcastic tone for this post. Carrie Fisher take the wheel...
I came across this article this morning.... And usually I swipe on by because, frankly, unless it's a fellow mom - I don't much care. Most blurbs about autism are full of stats that came in the disheveled, half torn, half chewed, droll covered, wine soaked, and smeared "handbook" that comes with a new diagnosis. Some are all about miracle cures up to and including bleach cocktails. Many are, indirectly, stating that death from some horrible disease is a more fortunate fate than the "disorder" that my child lives with on a daily basis. And the damned comments. Cripes, people. What THE ACTUAL FUCK is wrong with those people?
This morning I was feeling froggy. It was a local article doing some Q&A with some new therapist with some new practice touting its success with bridging gaps between ASD kids and educators.
She's the Autism Whisperer.
We are saved.
Maaaaaybe I'm cynical. Maaaaaybe this isn't the week. I'm frustrated with our school system, again. Maybe I'm pissed off that some dillhole community group page leader deleted my query looking for other kids that share the same interests as my son because she doesn't know how to read. Maybe it's all the things. All of them. Maybe.
But she uses the most cringeworthy line I can think of - "We have hope."
Are you fuuuuuuuuuucking serious? "Hope". We have "hope".
What does that mean exactly?
We ran out of cheese, milk, bread, eggs, and peanut butter - but we have "HOPE!"
Congratulations, Spectrum Families - WE HAVE HOPE!!! HOPE HAS ARRIVED AND JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME!
Rejoice!
Plenty of hope to go around! Form a line!
As if "Hope" has arms and legs, a pulse, shoulder length hair pulled back in a conservative, low bun, tortoise shell glasses, sensible shoes, and wears just the right amount of perfume. She has her arms crossed and sleeves up and she's ready to kick some ass and take some names.
This is what people say that don't know what else to say.
This irritates me. Obviously.
No shit we have hope.
Thanks lady.
I hope to win the lottery but that doesn't pay my bills.
That sounds dismal. That sounds like everything else has failed and this is all that we have left. Our Hope™.
Come back when you have Solutions.
Not solutions to the Autism puzzle but solutions to help make their lives the way they want them. Encourage independence when possible. Connect those in need with resources. Help us advocate for our children. Educate the public. Foster compassion.
And for all that is good and holy in this world can we just get through a school year without having to ask a teacher to read the IEP? Maybe attend a party where we aren't a sideshow? Kid first, Autism second. Please?
Keep the hope for World Peace, that the Kardashian's will quietly retire to some remote island with no social media, and maybe fat free cheesecake that tastes just like the real thing.
Showing posts with label obscure movie reference. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obscure movie reference. Show all posts
Monday, July 27, 2015
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A Little Something for the Holidays
I've been quiet, I know - Uncharacteristic of me. Sorry, I discovered Pinterest and am now an addict. Seems like I should get on a 12 Step Program but I'd rather create one with ribbons, bows, recycled newspapers and strategically placed snark.
I wrote this almost exactly 3 years ago and it was so funny that I had to share it again.
Article by Anastasia Beaverhousen
Somewhere In, Ohio - A late night craving for a Peanut Butter Blossom cookie is being heralded as the hero in an early morning fire in a local duplex. Ms. Ever After mother of 3 boys, laid down on her couch to catch up on some television when she started to feel sleepy. Knowing that she had several baskets of wet clothes that needed to dry she set her cell phone alarm to wake her at 3:15 a.m. At approximately 2:45 a.m. Ms. Ever After decided to succumb to her sweet tooth in lieu of taking a nap.
"I sat down and started to doze off, ya know, and then I wanted a cookie," stated Ms. Ever After. "I got up and went to the pantry, grabbed the bag of cookies - you know, my sons and I made these cookies on Sunday and they are so good - and went back to watch Top Chef. I'm rooting for Hosea and he won the challenge! I've picked all the recent winners of reality shows - Project Runway and Bob on Survivor is my favorite." That's when she states she heard something strange coming from the wall. "That's when I heard something strange coming from the wall. It sounded like buzzing. You know, like on that Powder movie when he made that Jacob's Ladder flip the (explicative deleted) out! And I thought 'What the (explicative deleted) was what?' and then I saw black smoke and I was like 'whoa'." This is the moment where, according to the fire chief, quick thinking was the most important.
"I jumped up off the couch and check the tree lights and they were okay" she explained, "and then I realized it was coming from under the entertainment center." It was at this point where Ms. Ever After ran to her pantry and removed the fire extinguisher that she had purchased for her estranged husband as a gag gift following an April fire in a wrestling ring. "I don't think I even had time to read the instructions. I just followed my instinct and sprayed." Unfortunately, her efforts to snuff the fire would go on in vain. As the room started to fill with smoke and fire extinguisher spray it became more and more difficult to breathe. "My youngest boy, he's 2 you know, was asleep on the couch less that 4 feet away. When I couldn't get the fire to stay out I grabbed him and ran to the phone." Her two other children were asleep in bedrooms upstairs.
"I called Mike to come over since, you know, the water pump on my car is out and I had no heat and he could take the kids with him if he needed to. Since all the holiday presents were in the garage I couldn't put the kids in there." She then called 9-1-1 and rushed to get her children outside to safety. A local police officer was able to halt the flow of electricity to the fire which immediately put the fire out. Fire Department crews responded quickly and were able to determine the cause of the fire as an overloaded extension cord. "Hell, I didn't know that there was an extension cord even back there, let alone with piggybacked adapters in it." Not a mistake that this family will make again.
When interviewed, the fire chief explained that this is the time of year for Christmas lights to cause fires and they fully expected it to be the lights when they came in. Had Ms. Ever After fallen asleep the results would have been disastrous. By the time the smoke would have reached the smoke detector in the hall, it could have been too late. An hour and a half later the family was able to safely return to their home. "I'm so glad that I paid up my Renter's Insurance. I'm gonna be rich!!! This is like winning the lotto, like them guys in Piqua just did. Only mine was a fire and not worth $207,000,000.00." Total estimated damage came to roughly $100. "Now maybe I can get me some new carpet from my landlord. That'd be awesome! Shoo Wee am I glad that I wanted that cookie!"
Everyone was able to make it out of the house safely and no one was injured. Ms. Ever After probably should have been treated for smoke inhalation but instead smoked a cigarette. The most difficult situation that this family has to handle is cleaning up all of the soot and powder. When we inquired about her plans for clean up Ms. Ever After had this to say "Damn, I ain't ever gonna git that (explicative deleted) out of my (explicative deleted) carpet, clothes, hair and mouth. This (explicative deleted) sucks!"
I wrote this almost exactly 3 years ago and it was so funny that I had to share it again.
Sweet Tooth Saves Family of 4
Article by Anastasia Beaverhousen
Somewhere In, Ohio - A late night craving for a Peanut Butter Blossom cookie is being heralded as the hero in an early morning fire in a local duplex. Ms. Ever After mother of 3 boys, laid down on her couch to catch up on some television when she started to feel sleepy. Knowing that she had several baskets of wet clothes that needed to dry she set her cell phone alarm to wake her at 3:15 a.m. At approximately 2:45 a.m. Ms. Ever After decided to succumb to her sweet tooth in lieu of taking a nap.
"I sat down and started to doze off, ya know, and then I wanted a cookie," stated Ms. Ever After. "I got up and went to the pantry, grabbed the bag of cookies - you know, my sons and I made these cookies on Sunday and they are so good - and went back to watch Top Chef. I'm rooting for Hosea and he won the challenge! I've picked all the recent winners of reality shows - Project Runway and Bob on Survivor is my favorite." That's when she states she heard something strange coming from the wall. "That's when I heard something strange coming from the wall. It sounded like buzzing. You know, like on that Powder movie when he made that Jacob's Ladder flip the (explicative deleted) out! And I thought 'What the (explicative deleted) was what?' and then I saw black smoke and I was like 'whoa'." This is the moment where, according to the fire chief, quick thinking was the most important.
"I jumped up off the couch and check the tree lights and they were okay" she explained, "and then I realized it was coming from under the entertainment center." It was at this point where Ms. Ever After ran to her pantry and removed the fire extinguisher that she had purchased for her estranged husband as a gag gift following an April fire in a wrestling ring. "I don't think I even had time to read the instructions. I just followed my instinct and sprayed." Unfortunately, her efforts to snuff the fire would go on in vain. As the room started to fill with smoke and fire extinguisher spray it became more and more difficult to breathe. "My youngest boy, he's 2 you know, was asleep on the couch less that 4 feet away. When I couldn't get the fire to stay out I grabbed him and ran to the phone." Her two other children were asleep in bedrooms upstairs.
"I called Mike to come over since, you know, the water pump on my car is out and I had no heat and he could take the kids with him if he needed to. Since all the holiday presents were in the garage I couldn't put the kids in there." She then called 9-1-1 and rushed to get her children outside to safety. A local police officer was able to halt the flow of electricity to the fire which immediately put the fire out. Fire Department crews responded quickly and were able to determine the cause of the fire as an overloaded extension cord. "Hell, I didn't know that there was an extension cord even back there, let alone with piggybacked adapters in it." Not a mistake that this family will make again.
When interviewed, the fire chief explained that this is the time of year for Christmas lights to cause fires and they fully expected it to be the lights when they came in. Had Ms. Ever After fallen asleep the results would have been disastrous. By the time the smoke would have reached the smoke detector in the hall, it could have been too late. An hour and a half later the family was able to safely return to their home. "I'm so glad that I paid up my Renter's Insurance. I'm gonna be rich!!! This is like winning the lotto, like them guys in Piqua just did. Only mine was a fire and not worth $207,000,000.00." Total estimated damage came to roughly $100. "Now maybe I can get me some new carpet from my landlord. That'd be awesome! Shoo Wee am I glad that I wanted that cookie!"
Everyone was able to make it out of the house safely and no one was injured. Ms. Ever After probably should have been treated for smoke inhalation but instead smoked a cigarette. The most difficult situation that this family has to handle is cleaning up all of the soot and powder. When we inquired about her plans for clean up Ms. Ever After had this to say "Damn, I ain't ever gonna git that (explicative deleted) out of my (explicative deleted) carpet, clothes, hair and mouth. This (explicative deleted) sucks!"
Friday, July 29, 2011
Get The Ladder D-Von!
I've done some incredibly stupid things in my life. Once, when I was 5 or so I decided that I was going to make my 'rents laugh so hard that they'd have no choice but to commission a parade in my honor. Ever watched Dumb & Dumber? There's this scene where Lloyd (Jim Carrey) imagines that he shows up to Mary Swanson's house with her missing briefcase and in celebration & thanks her family invites him in for tea and strumpets. They are all sitting by the fireplace in oversized sweaters, cozy & warm, watching Lloyd do incredibly funny things with a lighter and a fart. They all love him. Yeah - that's kinda how I thought this would be. My aunt Joyce was in from Tennessee. My mum didn't get to see her often. So they were all sitting around the fire in the living room, looking at old photographs and talking about the good ole days. I was in the dining room rummaging through my mum's sewing box that was left on the table. Looking through her things was one of my favorite pastimes. In my adventure (In my head it was an archaeological dig) I came across this lone button. It was safely housed in a tiny, ziploc baggie. I opened the bag and took the small, red button out and the cogs started turning in my head. How can I use this little treasure to insight riotous laughter into the family in the next room? Ah - With my NOSE! The thought was that I can take this button, place it in the opening of my nostril, cover the other nostril and blow that button out so hard that it goes flying across the room. They will love me. The flaw in this glorious plan was that I breathed in really hard so that I could exhale really hard. Can you guess where the button went?
There was no laughter. Only fear, panic, some words inappropriate for a young child's ears and a disbursement of the crowd. I was scooped up into my mum's arms and placed in the car. My dad put on his jacket and got his keys. Off we went to the Emergency Room. Some time later I was prepped for surgery. The red button had made it's way into my sinus cavity and could not be reached with tweezers. We departed the hospital just in time for my Aunt to fly back to Tennessee. She died about 6 months later. I decided that I wouldn't try that again any time soon. I went on to commit some other interesting acts of stupidity - Tweezers into the electrical outlet no less than two times, feeding my friend real mud pies, washing my 'rents antique, wooden bedroom suite with Ajax, dropping my newborn sister on her ginormous head.... The list could go on!
A few years ago, Ex Douchebag & I decided to resurrect a notoriously violent wrestling promotion. He has an affinity for certain brands of hardcore wrestling - namely tables, ladders & chairs (TLC Matches). I've often feared for his life in the hundreds upon hundreds of matches I witnessed. Only once have I ever walked out of a show He was climbing a ladder when it started to sway and subsequently fell over. He got tangled in the ropes and I couldn't tell you what happened after that. I left. He went on to participate in quite a few more of these nauseating matches that terrified me to the core. The day of the show he purchased an ugly, aluminum, yellow, 6ft ladder. I watched helplessly as he climbed to the top and our friend, knocked him off. Repeatedly. This ladder bent and folded and opened and closed.... Generally, you don't want to re-use those ladders after they take that type of abuse. When Ex Douchebag & I split up and I moved out of our home I left many of his things behind, mostly his old weapons - a table, a folding chair, trashcans. He was supposed to go pick those things up. But for some reason I couldn't leave that hideous ladder behind. Not sure why, it's not like I can use the derned thing. I have zero intentions of ever using a ladder for anything at any time. If I can't stand on a chair then I don't need it.
Well - I ate my words today. This morning was going so well. I got up on time, got the kids dressed and ready, got The Middle Son to an appointment on time (a first!) and was generally in an incredible mood. Pulled into the driveway, unloaded The Middle Son & The Youngest Boy and proceeded to rouse a slumbering Mini-Me. The boys sat on the chairs on the front porch to wait. I decided to just give them my keys so they could get out of the heat. As a Public Service Announcement - I can't throw. Unless I'm REALLY angry. Throwing like a girl is an understatement. With my left hand I went to toss The Middle Son my house/car keys. And as if on purpose - my keys sailed through the blue sky right smack dab onto my roof and trailed down into the gutter.
You've got to be kidding me. Really? Landing in the bushes I can understand and even expect. Hell - landing 823 feet from the intended target would normally be the result. Not today. Today they land on the roof. I can't decide to laugh or cry. So I laughed. And then reality started to creep it's way up my spine. Oh no. How am I going to get them down? There's no chair tall enough to reach my roof. I am a towering 5'1". This cannot be really happening, right? Alan Funt is about to pop out any second and point out the multiple hidden cameras and explain how they used a superpowered magnet to set me up.... How'd they know I always keep a spare house key on my person at all times?
My only option is to dig that unreliable ladder out of the garage and retrieve my keys from what I am sure is a slimy, filthy gutter. I'm envisioning worms, maggots and the full menu from Fear Factor in there. After I instructed The Oldest to mail my updated life insurance policy which happened to be sitting on the computer desk in the event that I fell - I headed to the garage. Bravely I got the ladder to the front of the house. I can see where it's been bent and damaged from the last time it was used. Joe Rogan is somewhere behind me telling me not to throw up. Quickly I climb one rung at a time until I reach the point of no return. I feel around and cannot locate my keys. I have to take another step. If I fall it's really going to hurt. I spy my Wonder Woman keychain, grab her feet and pull her towards me. Shockingly, it's clean in there! But I'm not going to risk standing there examining any more of it! Got down and away without injury or incident.
I won't be throwing my keys again though. Ever.
There was no laughter. Only fear, panic, some words inappropriate for a young child's ears and a disbursement of the crowd. I was scooped up into my mum's arms and placed in the car. My dad put on his jacket and got his keys. Off we went to the Emergency Room. Some time later I was prepped for surgery. The red button had made it's way into my sinus cavity and could not be reached with tweezers. We departed the hospital just in time for my Aunt to fly back to Tennessee. She died about 6 months later. I decided that I wouldn't try that again any time soon. I went on to commit some other interesting acts of stupidity - Tweezers into the electrical outlet no less than two times, feeding my friend real mud pies, washing my 'rents antique, wooden bedroom suite with Ajax, dropping my newborn sister on her ginormous head.... The list could go on!
A few years ago, Ex Douchebag & I decided to resurrect a notoriously violent wrestling promotion. He has an affinity for certain brands of hardcore wrestling - namely tables, ladders & chairs (TLC Matches). I've often feared for his life in the hundreds upon hundreds of matches I witnessed. Only once have I ever walked out of a show He was climbing a ladder when it started to sway and subsequently fell over. He got tangled in the ropes and I couldn't tell you what happened after that. I left. He went on to participate in quite a few more of these nauseating matches that terrified me to the core. The day of the show he purchased an ugly, aluminum, yellow, 6ft ladder. I watched helplessly as he climbed to the top and our friend, knocked him off. Repeatedly. This ladder bent and folded and opened and closed.... Generally, you don't want to re-use those ladders after they take that type of abuse. When Ex Douchebag & I split up and I moved out of our home I left many of his things behind, mostly his old weapons - a table, a folding chair, trashcans. He was supposed to go pick those things up. But for some reason I couldn't leave that hideous ladder behind. Not sure why, it's not like I can use the derned thing. I have zero intentions of ever using a ladder for anything at any time. If I can't stand on a chair then I don't need it.
Well - I ate my words today. This morning was going so well. I got up on time, got the kids dressed and ready, got The Middle Son to an appointment on time (a first!) and was generally in an incredible mood. Pulled into the driveway, unloaded The Middle Son & The Youngest Boy and proceeded to rouse a slumbering Mini-Me. The boys sat on the chairs on the front porch to wait. I decided to just give them my keys so they could get out of the heat. As a Public Service Announcement - I can't throw. Unless I'm REALLY angry. Throwing like a girl is an understatement. With my left hand I went to toss The Middle Son my house/car keys. And as if on purpose - my keys sailed through the blue sky right smack dab onto my roof and trailed down into the gutter.
You've got to be kidding me. Really? Landing in the bushes I can understand and even expect. Hell - landing 823 feet from the intended target would normally be the result. Not today. Today they land on the roof. I can't decide to laugh or cry. So I laughed. And then reality started to creep it's way up my spine. Oh no. How am I going to get them down? There's no chair tall enough to reach my roof. I am a towering 5'1". This cannot be really happening, right? Alan Funt is about to pop out any second and point out the multiple hidden cameras and explain how they used a superpowered magnet to set me up.... How'd they know I always keep a spare house key on my person at all times?
My only option is to dig that unreliable ladder out of the garage and retrieve my keys from what I am sure is a slimy, filthy gutter. I'm envisioning worms, maggots and the full menu from Fear Factor in there. After I instructed The Oldest to mail my updated life insurance policy which happened to be sitting on the computer desk in the event that I fell - I headed to the garage. Bravely I got the ladder to the front of the house. I can see where it's been bent and damaged from the last time it was used. Joe Rogan is somewhere behind me telling me not to throw up. Quickly I climb one rung at a time until I reach the point of no return. I feel around and cannot locate my keys. I have to take another step. If I fall it's really going to hurt. I spy my Wonder Woman keychain, grab her feet and pull her towards me. Shockingly, it's clean in there! But I'm not going to risk standing there examining any more of it! Got down and away without injury or incident.
I won't be throwing my keys again though. Ever.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
And I still don't know what it is...
I fancy myself somewhat of a Do-It-Yourselfer when it comes to car repairs, home improvement tasks and most everything that is not of the electrical pursuation. Some things I'm pretty good at. Some things I need some more practice with and some things are straight up over my head.
Over the weekend I encountered one such obstacle. For the first time in about 8 or 9 years I have a fireplace. Let me tell you that I am head over heels in love with this fireplace. It makes me happy to sit there holding my little girl in the rocking chair, warming my tootsies, sipping hot cocoa by glowing embers. Talk about relaxation! Maybe someday, when I meet a man brave enough, I'll share it with someone special. One downside to this awesome feature of my new home is the care and maintenance of said fireplace.
Currently, I am without a fireplace kit. No poker. No shovel. No strange little brush. Of course this does not deter me from using the fireplace. Ever. I'm a whiz at improv! So I needed to clean out some of the ashes in the fireplace. I find this to be a tedious job using an empty box of Little Debbie Star Crunch's and an empty speculum box (what? My sister works for a gynocologist and she saved me some boxes). As I am scooping up ashes with the star crunch box and pouring them into the empty speculum box I make a discovery. There, in the bottom of my fireplace, is a trap door. It's about the size of a mail slot. And it's right there in the floor.
I press on it and it opens. I can't really see anything in it either. My ex conveniently took most of the tools and the flashlights (not that it would help since the kids like to run the batteries down in them anyway.)This is when The Oldest offers his suggestion. "Put your hand in it and see if you can pull out the DaVinci Code." Yes- that's my kid! He's gonna make some woman so proud someday. I, of course, decline. Instead, I drop some ashes down in it. Then I got to wondering where it leads to and what it's for and maybe putting ashes in it is a bad idea. So I closed it back up and went about my business. My dad has been gone for roughly almost 8 years. Can't call him. Everyone else I know suggests I google it. I am sure that it has to be some kind of storage for ashes but I can't be 100% sure. If it is - um where does it lead to? Do I have to clean it out? Is there any other way of opening it without getting burned.
Most importantly, WHAT IS IT???
Over the weekend I encountered one such obstacle. For the first time in about 8 or 9 years I have a fireplace. Let me tell you that I am head over heels in love with this fireplace. It makes me happy to sit there holding my little girl in the rocking chair, warming my tootsies, sipping hot cocoa by glowing embers. Talk about relaxation! Maybe someday, when I meet a man brave enough, I'll share it with someone special. One downside to this awesome feature of my new home is the care and maintenance of said fireplace.
Currently, I am without a fireplace kit. No poker. No shovel. No strange little brush. Of course this does not deter me from using the fireplace. Ever. I'm a whiz at improv! So I needed to clean out some of the ashes in the fireplace. I find this to be a tedious job using an empty box of Little Debbie Star Crunch's and an empty speculum box (what? My sister works for a gynocologist and she saved me some boxes). As I am scooping up ashes with the star crunch box and pouring them into the empty speculum box I make a discovery. There, in the bottom of my fireplace, is a trap door. It's about the size of a mail slot. And it's right there in the floor.
I press on it and it opens. I can't really see anything in it either. My ex conveniently took most of the tools and the flashlights (not that it would help since the kids like to run the batteries down in them anyway.)This is when The Oldest offers his suggestion. "Put your hand in it and see if you can pull out the DaVinci Code." Yes- that's my kid! He's gonna make some woman so proud someday. I, of course, decline. Instead, I drop some ashes down in it. Then I got to wondering where it leads to and what it's for and maybe putting ashes in it is a bad idea. So I closed it back up and went about my business. My dad has been gone for roughly almost 8 years. Can't call him. Everyone else I know suggests I google it. I am sure that it has to be some kind of storage for ashes but I can't be 100% sure. If it is - um where does it lead to? Do I have to clean it out? Is there any other way of opening it without getting burned.
Most importantly, WHAT IS IT???
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