Yesterday I celebrated 15 years of motherhood. Do I get a badge or like a free meal or something? At least a card for my wallet or a discount on Tylenol?
I started the day by napping on the couch with my snuggly 8 month old daughter that I was woken from by a particularly insane nightmare. A pink & black tarantula with razor legs that sliced my cats face and then gave birth to some really UGLY kittens was in my kitchen. For clarity - the tarantula did the birthing, not my cat. Cleaning my 8 & 4 year old sons bedroom then followed. I was putting off mowing as looooooooooong as possible.
My procrastination was for good reason. Or reasons in this case. I've only mowed a lawn like twice in all my 33 years. My yard now is quite large. Most of my neighbors all have riding mowers. Last year I was pregnant so I got a pass. I hired some guy who tried very hard to soak me of money. My old yard was maybe 50-60 feet. It shouldn't cost me $100 every 2 weeks to have it mowed. ANYWAY.......... I digress. The mower hasn't been started in ages. I can't get it started. I'm just not very mechanical like that. I've since determined that it's broken. It involves duct tape. LOL. (Did someone hear Jeff Foxworthy?) WOOHOO. My sister offered to let me borrow hers. The fun begins.
Getting the mower into my minivan - Task #1. My sister lives on a steep hill. Getting the mower OUT of the garage was the easy part. It sailed quite quickly down the hill and almost into the street. (sshhhhh!) I open the back door and move some seats forward, hop in it and attempt to pull it into the van. Uh, notsomuch. Then I got out and picked it up trying to not touch blades. I tried to push it. That didn't work either. I can feel eyes on me now. The neighbors are staring. Everyone is looking at me. Watching. Laughing. Finally, I got it in! I got home and proceeded to try to gently get the derned thing out of the van. I dropped it. (sssssshhhhhh!) I've never felt so "on the spot" before. Everyone is outside. There's a party going on across the street. Now there are more people watching than I want. I really don't want anyone to watch. I feel stupid. But alas, I must mow! I checked the gas - full. I primered - 3 times per the instructions!. I hold the stupid handle...... and PULL. Nothing happens. And again with the pulling. The mower mocks me. And again. Now people are looking again. And pointing. And I can hear their whispering. I move to the garage so that I am no longer a spectacle. And it still won't start. I text my sister - "How do you start this thing? There wasn't a key!" (I was kidding about the "key" part) She calls from Amish Country. Walks me thru - then The Oldest joins the party. Together we started the mower!
My one neighbor is TERRIFIED that I am going to hurt his car. Dude - it's a Dodge. Not a Porsche. Get over yourself. We live in suburbia. Seriously, I'm not going to damage your sweet ride. He moved his car. Whatever dude. Anyway... So I start mowing. Seems easy enough. I really wish people would STOP watching me. I feel like I'm a Macy's float. It really feels like I should be waving to those around me. I need a mowing Tiara. The mower stalls and I'm struggling to get it started again. Here come some neighborhood children to ask me questions. I just want them to shut up and go away. I don't want them to draw attention to the fact that I have NO flippin clue what I'm doing. So I play it off as though I have to pee so I can go investigate the source of the stall out without an audience. And I'm back in business!
Once I finished the front lawn I was ready to move to the back. At least there the judging eyes of neighbors and passersby would be gone. This is where it gets tough. I'm mowing dandelions. The clippings come out of a side chute right into a gust of wind and all over me. They are wet which adds to the experience. I now know why mowing should be done in pants. I ran over a patch of mushrooms and had the same outcome. I feel so gross right now. As I mow the parameter of my backyard I am noticing little things about it that I didn't see before. A rut here, a strange patch of grass there.... When I come across this large, whitish flattened mushy thing that was bright orange on the inside. It's the strangest looking mushroom I've ever seen! I make a mental note to show the kids.
I finish and turn around - I feel all accomplished and proud. It feels great! I did it. Oh and I purposely didn't mow the side lawn that I share with my neighbors driveway out of spite (and the mower stalled again). Then I remembered. "Hey kids! Check out this mushroom!!!!" As I approached the mushroom I was so excited to see the looks on their faces. I made it to the spot in the yard and just as I started to call for the kids a second time I nudged it with my foot. A wave of the realization of stupidity came over me. It was a moldy orange one of the kids left out in the yard last week.
Let's keep this between us.
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