Divorcemas Eve

Tomorrow morning I will wake up for the last time as a married woman.  I find myself sitting here reflecting on 12 years with someone who started as my best friend and ended with someone I barely recognize.

We were happy.  Not all the time.  There were some serious downs but for the most part we spent so much time so incredibly happy.  And I'm not just making that up.  Or glossing over the facts.  We were happy.  The last few years though - well, they took their toll.  Criticize me as you'd like but even now when I look at him and into those eyes somehow I still see the other half of my soul and love him with all of me.

My wedding ring is on a silver chain in a special place.  I never once looked at it and saw a shackle.  I looked at it and saw my past, present & future.  Sometimes I slip it onto my finger and remember that happy day - Valentine's Day - years ago.  If I close my eyes and catch a quiet moment in the house I can still remember giggling like an idiot at the way the diamonds sparkled and how funny it was that I couldn't figure out which hand his was supposed to go on.  I can still hear Pastor Sam's marital advice during our wedding ceremony.  And wearing my "moms" dress.  I felt so safe and secure by his side.  I felt full.

I can distinctly remember that instant in 1999 when our eyes met for the first time.  He was wearing these silly snapping pants and a Nike shirt, his blonde hair in a pony tail and white gym shoes.  When he spoke to me I felt this tug inside of my and something just said to me "Home".  I just felt this overpowering feeling that I was supposed to be with him.  My gut said that this man was the missing pieces of me.  Like somehow God made us to be One.  

We cannot take back the actions of the last year.  Sometimes I don't want to.  Most of the time I'd give my right arm to erase it all away.  The part that cuts me the deepest is that he is not thinking the same thing.  He is happy with her.  Acceptance of this is unbearable at times.  How can it have meant so much to me and so little to him?  Where is my husband and how on earth can I get through to him? 

For the most part I don't cry anymore.  At least not outwardly.  I nod & smile and go through the motions as if I am doing the most ordinary thing in the world.  Distractions come easy in the form of 4 terrific children and 3 jobs, great friends, extraordinary family.  The truth of the matter is that I can't sleep in our bed anymore.  I sleep on my couch so that I don't feel so alone.  Couches we used to take naps on together.  It doesn't feel as empty.  Everyone tells me that he's not the same person anymore and that he is hollow.  He is gone.  Like somehow I need a reminder.  No one knows better than me.  That does not halt the grieving process.  If only that made it easier to bear.  The weight of his absence is bearing down on me like nothing I could ever explain. 

Do you think if I place wedding photos, centerpieces, toasting glasses, ring and favors by the fireplace, a lock of his hair under my pillow, his old shoes on the porch or leave cookies out maybe the Husband Fairyclaus will bring him back?  Maybe, just maybe, all the Kings Horses and all the Kings Men....... nah.  I guess not.

Realistically - I will walk into the courthouse with my head high and eyes dry.  I will say what needs to be said and sign whatever paper I have to sign.  Inside I will scream that I don't want this.  No one will hear my cries or see my tears.  I will smile in spite of every painful step.  My heart is breaking but life has to keep going.  Just for me though I will say one last prayer that something somehow keeps this from happening. 

I won't hold my breath.