Dear God

Dear God,

 Let me start off by saying - I'm sorry for the crappy things I have done.  I've made some serious mistakes.  I've hurt people that I love.  I've broken so many commandments.  I've been wrong more times than I can count.  I'm imperfect.  In the past I've been selfish and self centered.  I didn't read my Bible.  I didn't go to church.  I broke my marriage vows.  I've been so angry at Ex Douchebag for leaving me the way he did that I got wrapped up in it.  I cannot take back anything I have ever done and I wish I could sometimes.  The last year I've been working on getting on the right path.  For myself, for my family, for my children.

I remember why I walked away from You.  I thought I was left behind.  My sisters & I were living in squalor and being raped by a sicko that claimed he was a Christian.  In my 8 year old mind I thought that no God that I'd read about would abandon me like that.  I'd never done anything wrong.  I got straight a's and did everything I was told.  I prayed my hardest.  Why would You leave a good little girl?  Why would You let me hurt.  I see now that I was given strength to survive and sense to go forward and go to police.  I was given the courage to stand and fight to get out.  But back then... well...all I wanted to do was end my own life.  The images in my head haunted me and tormented me.  I took it out on myself and everyone around me.  I swore I'd worship Satan himself before I'd trust You again. I'm sorry.  Sincerely. 

Now my Middle Son is hurting like I did (for different reasons).  He is so much like me that I'm scared for him.  His little eyes fill with tears that I cannot stop.  Watching your child hurt and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop it - well You know what I mean.  I've tried to reassure him.  I've tried to hug him and kiss him and hold him.  I've tried therapy.  I have tried love.  I've tried explaining to his father that this "here one minute, gone the next" attitude is taking a toll on him.  He's talked about killing himself.  He's talked about hurting others.  He's reverted to an infant when I try to talk about the hard stuff.  I've spent the last 6 months with Ex Douchebag trying to put our marriage back together because it's what I thought was best for our kids.  It's not that he doesn't understand what is going on - it's that he does.  Way more than he's been given credit for.  Honestly, I think he understands even more than adults do.  It's taking it's toll on him.  It feels like all I can do is watch.

So God - I'm on my knees in front of the whole world.  Help.  Make it stop.  Fix it.  Be with him.  My little baby didn't do anything wrong.  I did.  Ex Douchebag did.  Not Middle Son.  God please.  Just protect my baby from our thoughtless, impulsive and stupid decisions.

Thanks for listening.