Could you Google the number for Poison Control?

As a mother of 3 boys you expect to have to call Poison Control center at least once.  Me?  Well - my first experience with the1-800-222-1222 was in 1998 when my, then 2 year old, son decided to SUPER GLUE HIS MOUTH SHUT.  Normally this wouldn't be a complaint.  I was just concerned that he may have to have his stomach pumped or need some kind of IV Fluids.  (Cut me a break, I was 20).  For your future reference, Super Glue is non-toxic.  It takes hours to get hardened super glue out of the teeth of a 2 year old boy, you know, in case it comes up on Jeopardy.

Yesterday started like many do.  Mini-Me & I rolled reluctantly out of my smarshmellow soft bed and moseyed down the hall to the living room.  Her diaper was excessively full so I took it off and sat her bare behinded onto the floor.  Youngest Boy then asked for some breakfast as he and Middle Son were already up and at em viciously fighting over Wii privileges.  I proceeded to make a pot of coffee, Youngest Boy's breakfast and sent a particularly snide email to my ex (who went from being a doll to being a complete and total jackhole in a matter of minutes - we will never speak again) all of which took about, I dunno, 12 minutes or less.  Mini-Me crawls over to find me and I start to smell the smell of something really smelly.  She has pooed a trail from the television to my desk.  Roughly 8 feet of my living room is a giant skid mark of 10 month old infant droppings.  Greeeeeat.  I pick her up, grab a towel, half-assedly wipe up the ooze and make my way to the bathroom.  I inform the boys not to answer the door or the phone as I will be showering with the Mini Me since I am now also covered in yuck.

10 minutes later we are squeaky clean!  Youngest Boy and Middle Son are continuing their brutal video game argument in their bedroom.  I place Mini-Me in their room with them so that I can now mop my living room.  Again, I am praising God for hardwood floors!  20 minutes later I have completed the mopping.  I think that now I will indulge in that pot of coffee.  The night before was so incredibly hard.  I smoked a cigarette for the first time since December 2, 2009 and got my drunk on.  (Yes, what he did was that bad.  If it's possible for a shattered heart to break even more it's been accomplished in my rib cage)  I needed to just brush the weekend off and add it to the list of things I've survived in my lifetime.  No sooner do I get the fat free french vanilla creamer poured when I hear Middle Son skipping down the hall to tell me that Mini-Me has gotten into the paint.

Before Ex Douchebag's incredibly dastardly misdeeds occurred I was painting my 34 square foot bathroom "Red Geranium".  I'm going to paint the trim black, add some brushed nickel fixtures, lay some black & white checked flooring, decorative light switch covers and hang my vintage concert posters - Janis, The Doors, Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline and Nirvana with my vinyl copies of Men Without Hats, Heart and The Village People.  Music is the theme.  Red seemed fitting.  I didn't realize it was going to take 804 coats of this paint to cover the Pepto Pink that was previously on the walls.  So this process has taken no less than 4 days and I'm still not even close to done.

I race down the hall to find my beautiful little girl happily splashing around in blood red paint that is quickly flowing from the overturned can.  Apparently I hadn't sealed the lid completely and someone left the bathroom door open.  In the 8 seconds it takes her to get from the boys' room to the bathroom doorway she'd managed to pull over the container.  (Yes, nominate me for Mother of the Year!)  Immediately I pick her up and call for The Oldest to help.  I'm not sure which to do first.  Toss her into the tub or stop the river of paint from taking over the hardwood floor hallway.  Ultimately, it was neither.  I asked The Oldest to get his camera.  After he took the picture I put her into the tub - diaper & all and start hosing her off.  That's when I realize there is a small amount of paint on her mouth.  The Oldest comes into the bathroom to keep an eye on Mini - Me while I am scooping up handfuls of paint and pouring them back into the can.  Mini-Me is screaming now and paint is seeping into the tiles, under the transition strip, beneath the trim and into the grains of the wood.  The Oldest extracts a once again sparkling clean baby girl from the tub and whisks her off to the living room so that I can begin scrubbing.

"Hey [Oldest]" I call from my Cinderella position on the bathroom floor.  He says, in a most annoyed voice - "Yes mother".  "Could you Google the number for Poison Control?".  There I am on my hands and knees scrubbing red paint from the floor dialing Poison Control.  I look like Lizzie Bordon (had she really axed her parents).  I'm still not even fully dried from my shower of 30 minutes ago.  Mark, the RN on the other end of the phone assures me that Mini-Mewill be just fine.  She may toss her cookies but she does not need a trip to the ER.  I'm relieved.  And I need a clone.  Or 2.  Or 4 - 1 to follow around each kid.