That Moment When....

(I wrote this exactly 5 years ago. It's still hilarious. We refer to it often. Not sure if we ever made it public though.  Enjoy.)

In an effort to prepare for the great "Back to School" festivities I decided to take the kids for haircuts.  If you'd seen The Oldest in the recent past you'd know that his hair was in an unfortunate state of entanglement.  It resembled an octopus type creature and growled at me any time I mentioned "conditioner", a "brush", or "hair cut".  After it made a meal request and invited guests over for a large dinner party I decided that it needed to go.  The Oldest could no longer keep it in check or calm it down so he agreed that the bonds must be severed.  The Middle and The Youngest Boy had been referred to as "she", "her" or "daughters" enough that they were also begging for cuts.  There's one particular girl that's cut the kids' hair for years and she happens to work at the salon ( a term I use loosely in this instance) inside Wal Mart and the kids like her a lot.  So I load up the Brangelina Brood into the Super Mom Van and head out.  As I'm backing out of the driveway I hear a familiar clicking noise that tells me that I'm in desperate need of an oil change if I really want to make it to West Mansfield this weekend. 

Hey- I like multitasking.  Makes me feel all productive and stuff.  So what could be easier???  Drop the van off at the Lube station in Wal Mart while I take the kids to get their mops chopped!  Brilliant!  I'm so smart.  :-)  This will be a cinch.  In we go, drop off the keys and head to the salon.  The Oldest is the first to suffer the indignity of the chair.  He starts by removing the Legend of Zelda beanie that has been firmly in place every day for the past 2 years.  The stylist gasped.  I tried to hide so that the people checking out did not see me standing near him.  Normally, I do my best to embarass my kids.  I don't get embarassed personally.  This was the exception.  But in order to complete the white trash sterotype I broke out the Flip and proceeded to take video footage for YouTube.  Maybe I'll send the clip to Daniel Tosh.  ;-)  The stylist went to work.  It took her 2 hours to brush out his hair.  Seriously.  2 hours.  (Yup, I'm mother of the year!)  She then put it in a pony tail and snipped it off.  He briefly used it as a prop - he was a horse - and then it bit him.  We wrestled it into a zip lock baggie.  It put up one helluva a fight though.  I had to bribe it with promises of cupcakes to get it into my purse.  Another stylist came in and took care of The Middle and The Youngest Boy in the meantime.  They all turned out pretty cute for a Wal Mart cut. 

About the time that they were all finished up the vibrating keychain that the Lube Center provided me was going off indicating that the van was complete.  At this point I am quite proud of myself!  Mini-Me had been good the whole time, the boys were getting antsy but nothing I couldn't handle.  So I pull out my wallet to pay the lady and my heart stopped.  The whole world went topsy turvy for a moment.  My debit card - my ONLY access to money - was NOT in my wallet.  Frantically, I pulled every card from it and sorted through them....  Kroger Plus card, CVS Rewards Card, Sally's Club, Edge Card, K Mart Special, Big Lots Rewards, my useless ATM card, my drivers license.  None of them could pay for the haircuts.  Then it dawns on me.  My debit card is on the couch.  At home.  My van is in the shop.  Even if I could leave The Oldest at the salon I couldn't run home because I can't pay for my van! Oh.  Holy.  Hell.

Just then Mini-Me breaks out into a frenzied cry for a boob, The Youngest Boy starts jumping off of seats, The Middle is hungry, The Oldest is bored, the stylist wants her money and her hefty tip for braving the violent tendrils of my 14 year old, everyone and everything is louder and I can feel my face running the gamut of every shade of red known to man.  I'm sure it settled on a deep crimson.   My brain starts to go into high gear as my adrenaline starts to rush.  My sister is at work, in Kettering.  It's 4:00.  No one is home.  What the hell am I going to do???  Okay - I'll text everyone in my phone book that could possibly assist.  Jessy was already workin.  Then I call Amber who can be there in an hour and a half.  I've got to be at The Middle Son's school for 2nd grade orientation and I promised a trip to JD's Custard.  Finally, Kyle comes through.  He will come and get The Oldest, run him to the house and then bring him back.  In the meantime we must wait in the salon.  I whip out a nipple for Mini-Me and ask the boys to sit down and be patient.  Help is on the way!

As I am nursing Mini-Me, The Middle has to pee.  I agree to letting him run to the restroom.  Well, The Youngest Boy  takes off after him.  So I jump up - Mini-Me still attached to my right breast - and try to chase him down and get him back where he belongs.  Yeah - that wasn't humiliating in the slightest.  Around 4:40 Kyle arrives and grabs The Oldest.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel!  By this time the boys have maxed out the attention span.  They're restless.  They've invented a game out of a nickel and the floor which ends in a fight and crying.  I want to shrivel up and die.  Or evaporate.  Anything other than this!  Every second that Kyle and The Oldest were gone went so slowly.  I could hear every tick of the clock.  Finally, they return with the card in hand!  I apologize profusely for the stylists inconvenience and generously tipped her.  Then we headed to the Lube Center and retrieved my keys.  I drove away from Wal Mart like Barney Oldfield (he was an old race car driver that my dad always compared us to). 

We made it to JD's.  Not to orientation though.  I know, priorities!  Went home as fast as we could and decided that we won't be going to Wal Mart any time soon.   Be on the lookout for my pic on Peopleofwalmart.com in the next week or so.   

I Can Get You A Thumb By 3 o'clock. With Polish.

Part of accepting maturity is delaying gratification.  Tuesday night, I let me "T" take the wheel (that's a United States of Tara reference).  I had some extra money burning a hole in my pocket.  And I saw that Bath and Body Works was having a sale on hand soap and body wash.  Sure, I had hand soap.  But it wasn't some overpriced, over scented, migraine inducing, obnoxious aroma.  It was some plain ole Dial.  Ok - it was Cherry Blossom.  But it didn't come out in a foam.  I just (almost) finished decorating one of my bathrooms and I wanted it to look perfect.  Only B&BW soaps are going to be the perfect accessory. Sure, I have body wash too.  But, again, it's falls into the same category as the Dial.

So at 7:45 p.m. Mini-Me woke up from her nap and I decided to just run up really quick.  I packed little Q up and headed out the door.  We got to the store about 10 minutes later.  We entered and my baby girl was in awe.  This whole "girl" thing is still a wonder to me.  I know she's 1 1/2 but it is still a very large adjustment from the 3 boys.  I have a new found appreciation for girly things.  Seeing her little face light up when she sees something feminine!  Don't get me wrong, she has an incredible fondness for the boys' things too.  But she loves purses and "lip gloss" (read: an empty tube of  Chap Stick).  So as we are perusing the shelves and bins, we come across this ADORABLE little compact.  It was a small, bright yellow smiley face with a big red bow on it's head with a red rhinestone in the center of the bow that slid open and closed.  A toothy smile drew across her face, her legs kicked in excitement.  She giggled when she saw the pretty baby in the mirror. I melted.  Of course, it was hers.  She could put it in her little purse!  Maybe it was a combination of the toxic levels of perfumed potions mixed with the bright, flashy packaging and some spritz girl chasing me around with some "Island" scent - I didn't think. 

We finalized our purchase and the compact didn't leave her grasp the whole ride home.  As soon as we came in - She showed her prize off to her brothers and placed it into her purse.  She would pull it out every so often and smile at the baby smiling at her.  Wednesday morning, I told my Heterosexual Life Partner about it.  We gushed over the cuteness of a tiny girl holding a tiny mirror in her tiny hand.  The compact didn't get much thought until later.

Fast Forward to 3:00 p.m.  I'm clacking away at the keyboard, engulfed in work, listening to the kids play happily through the house.  Mini-Me traveled back to her brothers' room, which she does often.  Usually to snatch some "off limit" toy or to make The Youngest Boy cry.  Soon, she started fussing.  It was not a full fledged cry.  More like - bitching.  It sounded like she was trying to get something that was stuck and she was annoyed.  I got up to investigate.  I surely was not expecting the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  There she was, sitting on the bed, covered in blood.  Mainly because she was shaking her hand like she was trying to get a piece of tape off of her hand.  I didn't bother trying to figure out what caused it.  I grabbed her and ran to the bathroom.  I ordered all kids out of the bedroom until we could determine what happened.

Once in the bathroom, I had to clean her in order to find the origin of the bleeding.  The Oldest went to investigate the cause.  The Middle Son came in with a broken antenna from a CD player.  But that didn't seem likely.  I found the deep gash on the tip of Mini-Me's thumb.  She had fileted the tip.  And still not crying.  I put pressure on it for roughly 15 minutes.  The one thing that I've learned from 13 years in the pro wrestling business and 15 years raising sons - it's First Aid.  I've also amassed a very thorough First Aid kit that includes suture removers and other such tools (it helps that I have a sister who works in a medical office and that Michael used to).  The Oldest comes into the bathroom holding a bloody, broken compact.  Enough guilt set to rival Catholicism.  There weren't enough Hail Mary's to absolve me.  Why on Earth didn't I think about this?  Normally, I can look at an object and come up with at least 15 ways one of the kids can inflict injury on another of the kids using it.  I determined that I could not control the bleed.  I wrapped it in gauze and medical tape - tightly - hoping to stop the bleed.  Then I put a clean sock over it and then her shirt so that she couldn't pull it off on the way to the hospital. 

You know that you're a borderline terrible mother when you have an ER routine.  Each kid knows what to do, who to call and how to prepare.  The Oldest loaded up Mini-Me's diaper bag and made the call to grandma, The Middle Son started cleaning the blood trail while packing his things to take to Grandma's and The Youngest Son- well, he was just grateful that it wasn't him this time as he told Mini-Me of the amenities of Children's Medical Center as we piled into the car.  She just smiled and then fell asleep on the way.  Fortunately, Grandma lives seconds from the hospital.

Michael met us inside as we greeted the same P.A. that handled The Youngest Son's chin and broken jaw as well as his recent "tooth thru the cheek" just weeks ago.  First, he was going to stitch but once he got her cleaned up (and lidocained) he decided to cut the flap of skin and apply pressure.  Unfortunately, there was no stopping the bleeding.  He ordered a clotting agent which finally worked after 3 hours.  Not a whimper out of my baby!  The doctor looked at us and said "Her brothers are in trouble!  This is one tough little girl!"

She's going to have a scar.  And will NEVER, NEVER own another compact again.  Ever.  Even when she's like 40.  Nope.  No more.  Seriously - What the elf was I thinking?  Now, just feeling very blessed that she is okay and it was not nearly as bad as it could have been.

Could you Google the number for Poison Control?

As a mother of 3 boys you expect to have to call Poison Control center at least once.  Me?  Well - my first experience with the1-800-222-1222 was in 1998 when my, then 2 year old, son decided to SUPER GLUE HIS MOUTH SHUT.  Normally this wouldn't be a complaint.  I was just concerned that he may have to have his stomach pumped or need some kind of IV Fluids.  (Cut me a break, I was 20).  For your future reference, Super Glue is non-toxic.  It takes hours to get hardened super glue out of the teeth of a 2 year old boy, you know, in case it comes up on Jeopardy.

Yesterday started like many do.  Mini-Me & I rolled reluctantly out of my smarshmellow soft bed and moseyed down the hall to the living room.  Her diaper was excessively full so I took it off and sat her bare behinded onto the floor.  Youngest Boy then asked for some breakfast as he and Middle Son were already up and at em viciously fighting over Wii privileges.  I proceeded to make a pot of coffee, Youngest Boy's breakfast and sent a particularly snide email to my ex (who went from being a doll to being a complete and total jackhole in a matter of minutes - we will never speak again) all of which took about, I dunno, 12 minutes or less.  Mini-Me crawls over to find me and I start to smell the smell of something really smelly.  She has pooed a trail from the television to my desk.  Roughly 8 feet of my living room is a giant skid mark of 10 month old infant droppings.  Greeeeeat.  I pick her up, grab a towel, half-assedly wipe up the ooze and make my way to the bathroom.  I inform the boys not to answer the door or the phone as I will be showering with the Mini Me since I am now also covered in yuck.

10 minutes later we are squeaky clean!  Youngest Boy and Middle Son are continuing their brutal video game argument in their bedroom.  I place Mini-Me in their room with them so that I can now mop my living room.  Again, I am praising God for hardwood floors!  20 minutes later I have completed the mopping.  I think that now I will indulge in that pot of coffee.  The night before was so incredibly hard.  I smoked a cigarette for the first time since December 2, 2009 and got my drunk on.  (Yes, what he did was that bad.  If it's possible for a shattered heart to break even more it's been accomplished in my rib cage)  I needed to just brush the weekend off and add it to the list of things I've survived in my lifetime.  No sooner do I get the fat free french vanilla creamer poured when I hear Middle Son skipping down the hall to tell me that Mini-Me has gotten into the paint.

Before Ex Douchebag's incredibly dastardly misdeeds occurred I was painting my 34 square foot bathroom "Red Geranium".  I'm going to paint the trim black, add some brushed nickel fixtures, lay some black & white checked flooring, decorative light switch covers and hang my vintage concert posters - Janis, The Doors, Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline and Nirvana with my vinyl copies of Men Without Hats, Heart and The Village People.  Music is the theme.  Red seemed fitting.  I didn't realize it was going to take 804 coats of this paint to cover the Pepto Pink that was previously on the walls.  So this process has taken no less than 4 days and I'm still not even close to done.

I race down the hall to find my beautiful little girl happily splashing around in blood red paint that is quickly flowing from the overturned can.  Apparently I hadn't sealed the lid completely and someone left the bathroom door open.  In the 8 seconds it takes her to get from the boys' room to the bathroom doorway she'd managed to pull over the container.  (Yes, nominate me for Mother of the Year!)  Immediately I pick her up and call for The Oldest to help.  I'm not sure which to do first.  Toss her into the tub or stop the river of paint from taking over the hardwood floor hallway.  Ultimately, it was neither.  I asked The Oldest to get his camera.  After he took the picture I put her into the tub - diaper & all and start hosing her off.  That's when I realize there is a small amount of paint on her mouth.  The Oldest comes into the bathroom to keep an eye on Mini - Me while I am scooping up handfuls of paint and pouring them back into the can.  Mini-Me is screaming now and paint is seeping into the tiles, under the transition strip, beneath the trim and into the grains of the wood.  The Oldest extracts a once again sparkling clean baby girl from the tub and whisks her off to the living room so that I can begin scrubbing.

"Hey [Oldest]" I call from my Cinderella position on the bathroom floor.  He says, in a most annoyed voice - "Yes mother".  "Could you Google the number for Poison Control?".  There I am on my hands and knees scrubbing red paint from the floor dialing Poison Control.  I look like Lizzie Bordon (had she really axed her parents).  I'm still not even fully dried from my shower of 30 minutes ago.  Mark, the RN on the other end of the phone assures me that Mini-Mewill be just fine.  She may toss her cookies but she does not need a trip to the ER.  I'm relieved.  And I need a clone.  Or 2.  Or 4 - 1 to follow around each kid.

The Glamourous Life of the Single Working Mom

3:21 a.m. - I finish up the mailers I was doing for work.  They are all stamped and ready to go out in the mail.  My eyes are rolling.... it's time for bed.

4:43 a.m. - Mini-Me rustles in her sleep and hunger pangs wake her.  I'm in my bed 10 feet in front of her.  Just the sounds of her rustling in her crib wakes me.  I look at the clock and listen to see if she is just tossing or if she is going to get up.  Much to my dismay - it's the latter.  She starts to cry.  I get up.  Hit my shin on the end of the bed and I can't scream because it will scare her.  I pick her up, carry her to the kitchen where I open the fridge and realize I didn't prepare formula before I passed out.  So I make her a quick 4oz bottle and hope it's enough to top her off and get her back to sleep.  We make our way back to the bedroom.  I step on a Beyblade one of the boys left in the hall.  But I'm so exhausted that I'm too tired to whimper.  We crawl into my bed - yeah a big no no- and I give her the bottle and she starts to doze.  She finishes it.  The sensation of me taking it out of her mouth startles her awake again.  The 4oz wasn't enough.  We do the above over again.  She falls back to sleep around 6:00.

6:47 a.m. - The Oldest is up.  He shut his bedroom door and I'm awake again.  I nod off just in time to hear him shut the front door which wakes Mini-Me.

7:00 a.m. - We head to the living room as it is clear that she is not going to go back to sleep.  I put her in her high chair so that I can prepare breakfast.  I give her some baby puffs to tide her over.  She is happy & giggling.  She picks them up in her beautiful baby fingers and shoves them into her face.  I don't even know if my eyes are open.  I move the remnants of last nights dinner plates to find my coffee pot.  Sweet salvation from the grog.  Then I clean off a space on the counter to cut a banana for the baby girl that I love so much.

7:08 a.m. - Middle Son stirs in his room.  He wants to watch some cartoons before school.  So he turns on the television.  Youngest Boy is now up from the sounds of the television.

7:14 a.m. - Youngest Boy comes into the kitchen and asks for a bowl of cereal.  At this moment I realize I forgot to turn on the coffee pot.  Ugh.  I reach into the cabinet to pull out the last clean bowl.  I forgot to start the dishwasher last night.  Upon pouring the cereal I realize that we have no clean spoons.  So I improvise and give him a measuring spoon.  I get creative and tell him that it is so he can measure how many tablespoons of cereal he has today.  He is pleased and sits down at the table.

7:22 a.m. - I finish sweeping up the scattered baby puffs and banana cubes just in time to hear a familiar splash in the living room.  Youngest Boy has taken his bowl of cereal into the living room and, as usual, has spilled it on the floor.  I thank God for the hardwood flooring at this point. Youngest Boy runs to grab a towel and comes back with a dishrag that's not nearly big enough to clean the mess.  I thank him for the help and remind him that we eat in the kitchen.

7:28 a.m. - Middle Son would like some sausage links.  Thankfully these take 45 seconds in the microwave.

7:39 a.m. - I'm off to get weather appropriate clothing for all 3 of them.  The clean laundry is sorted into baskets in my bedroom.  I haven't had time to fold them.  So I dig.  The boys watch some television and fight over which program they are going to watch.  I have to play referee as I change & dress Mini-Me.

7:50 a.m. - I return to the kitchen to clean the plates & bowls from the boys' breakfast.  I rinse Mini-Me's high chair tray to prepare for lunch.  Finally I am able to pour my cup of coffee.

8:00 a.m. - I instruct Middle Son to get dressed and get his bookbag together while I pick up the laundry from the living room & kitchen. (Mini-Me's clothing, my socks, some dishrags & the towels from Youngest Boys earlier spill).  My alarm in my bedroom is going off.  The noise is enough to make me want to scream.  I have to run and shut it off.  I look at my bed and want to go back to sleep.

8:05 a.m. - Getting the first load of laundry of the day into the washer.  Mini-Me is now screaming from the living room and I ask Youngest Boy what he did to her.  He was just trying to give her hug.  I run to the living room to find her reaching up for me.  I carry her back to the laundry room to finish loading it and unloading the dryer onto my bed.  With 1 hand. 

8:08 a.m. - I remind Middle Son to get dressed for school.


8:13 a.m. - Youngest Boy is now dressed.  His pants are on backwards and he is wearing a pajama shirt that belongs to Middle Son.  Even his socks are on upside down.  I help to re-dress him.  We go through the run down of the proper way to dress.  He is wiggling and falls off the couch.  Crying ensues.  He wants daddy.  He wishes daddy would come home.  He wishes Daddy would leave Katie and come back to us.  Middle Son is frustrated now because he can't hear television.


8:17 a.m. - I remind Middle Son AGAIN to get dressed.


8:23 a.m. - I find my own socks so that I can get ready to head out the door.


8:30 a.m. - I have to block the television so that Middle Son will do what I have asked him to do repeatedly.  Finally he gets off the couch and gets dressed.  His pajamas are strewn onto the floor down the hallway and into his bedroom.  I ask him to pick them up and place them into the hamper.


8:37 a.m. - Middle Son cannot find last nights homework.  There is a mad hunt through the living & dining room to find it.  Mini-Me has now found something random on the floor behind the entertainment center and she has it in her mouth.  She is gagging now.  I run to pat her back and a nickel falls to the floor.  She is crying really hard now.


8:40 a.m. - My phone alarm goes off letting me know that it's time to head out the door to take Middle Son to school.


8:44 a.m. - Youngest Boy cannot find one of his shoes.  Middle Son is reenacting some fighting moves he saw on television.  He is oblivious to the search for Youngest Boy's shoe.  Youngest Boy is crying again.  He wants Daddy.


8:52 a.m. - The missing shoe is located under a box in the bedroom.  Youngest Boy thanks me for being a wonderful mommy and finding his shoe.  We are ready to go.


8:55 a.m. - I reach for my keys on the hook by the front door.  They are not there.  Youngest Boy used them to open his cash register toy last night and left them somewhere.  A mad scramble is on to find my keys.


8:57 a.m. - I give up my search for the keys.  I grab the spare and race to the van.  I get Mini-Me secured into her car seat.  I run to the other side to buckle Youngest Boy in.


8:59 a.m. - I get into the drivers seat and lock my seatbelt and press the button to shut the sliding door.  It shuts and then comes back open.  Something is stuck in the track.  I run over to the side and remove the Easter card my best friend sent me that was wound up in the track.  I'd question how it got there and express my sadness over losing the card but who really cares?  Just me.


9:00 a.m. - School begins.


9:02 a.m. - I pull out of the driveway and we're off to school.


9:07 a.m. - We arrive at school and Middle Son gets out.  He runs to the door and his pants slip down to expose a plumber's crack.  I realize he did not put on underwear this morning.  I call to him to tell him that he is to put on underwear every single day.  He tells me he forgot.  Now I send my son to school with no underpants.  Let's hope it's not gym day.


9:12 a.m. - We return home.  As I get Mini-Me out of her car seat I realize she has pooped.  It is up her back, inside her car seat and down her legs.  I pull her seat out and take her into the house.  Youngest Boy claims the television and announces he is still hungry and would like more breakfast.  I explain that I have to clean Mini-Me up first.  He misses Daddy again.

9:23 a.m. - I have completed cleaning Mini-Me.  As I enter the kitchen to dispose of the dirty diaper & wash my hands I spot my cup of coffee on the counter.  It's completely cold.

9:28 a.m. - I empty the washer into the dryer and fill it with Mini-Me's soiled clothing and the shirt I was wearing that is covered in baby poop.

9:33 a.m. - It's my best friend time!  The phone rings and my dearest friend in the whole wide world is on the other end.  She starts with her familiar "Duuuuuuuude what's up?" and I feel so comforted.  She has no idea what these calls every morning mean to me.  We could talk about the random license plates she encounters in the greater Chicago area or the cost of gas and I'd be the happiest woman on earth.  We spend about 30 minutes just chatting while I clean the counters & straighten up the house.

10:00 a.m. - It is time for work.  I sit down at my desk in the living room and find The Oldest's dirty breakfast dishes.  Grrrrr.... If he was home I would make him come & get them and put them into the sink.  But it's too late.  I make a mental note to tell him of this when he gets home.  As I take the dishes into the kitchen I realize I never started the dishwasher and we need dishes.  I have a portable dishwasher, not an in-wall kind.  After I get it all hooked up and soap filled I turn it on and return to the desk.

10:12 a.m. - Youngest Boy wants to watch The Legend of Zelda dvd for the billionth time.  Now.... where are the remotes?  Mini-Me is playing with her toys on the floor.

10:16 a.m. - Both the television & DVD remotes are located under my scanner cart and couch.  DVD is playing.  Mini-Me is content with a beanie baby and her musical steering wheel.

10:20 a.m. - I organize my desk and start my To-Do List for the day: Chapter 13 Plan Calculations & Additional Fee Applications.  I need to do math and organize timelines from notes in the system.  Somehow I find myself checking Facebook and updating my 30 Day Film Challenge.

10:27 a.m. - I log into work and begin the tasks at hand.  By now Mini-Me has crawled over to me to play at my feet.  She reaches over and shuts my computer off.

10:33 a.m. - My computer has restarted and I can log back into work.  The phone rings.  I click "ignore" so that I can focus on what I'm doing.

10:47 a.m. - After I've moved Mini-Me from the area that Youngest Boy is playing at his request he reminds me that he wanted another bowl of cereal please.

10:53 a.m. - The bowls and spoons are in the dishwasher.  I offer to make him a pb&j which he is okay with for now.

10:58 a.m. - I return to the living room/desk area to find Mini-Me with a pen in her mouth.  I take it away from her and she starts to cry.  She is rubbing her eyes and is sleepy.  OH YEAH - I forgot to mix formula.  I prepare about 32 oz that should get her through the day.  As I am doling out the scoops my phone rings again in the living room.  I just lost my train of thought and forgot how many that was.  Lucky for me I don't put those scoops directly into the water until I have measured them properly.  It's time to start over.

11:08 a.m. - Back at the desk with Mini-Me in one arm and bottle in the other hand.  I sit down at give her the bottle with one arm.  I am tapping keys with the other hand getting work completed.

11:11 a.m. - I close my eyes & make wishes for things that will never come.

11:17 a.m. - Mini-Me is asleep for her morning nap. She is warm and cuddly and I am reminded of my warm. soft bed.  Then I'm reminded that I need coffee.  My cup is in the kitchen on the counter still.  Cold.  If I get up I'll wake Mini-Me.  So there I sit - plugging away at my work longing for sleep or coffee.

11:45 a.m. - Youngest Boy is hungry again and the dvd has finished playing.  He decides to get a snack from the snack drawer and pulls the whole thing down.  He snatches the one that he wants and tells me I can have the tv since he wants to play in his room.  Mini-Me is now awake again.  She doesn't want to go play on the floor or in her excersaucer.  She wants me to hold her.

11:52 a.m. - Mini-Me pulls my work off my desk and scatters my papers onto the floor.  I move her high chair into the living room next to my desk and place her in it with some puffs & cooked veggies.

12:04 p.m. - Youngest Boy returns to the living room because he wants to play in here with his toys and watch another DVD.  I return to work.

12:25 p.m. - Mini-Me has had enough of her lunch and wants out.  I wipe her clean and set her tray on the table in the dining room.  I really need to finish my work.  She is back to playing in the floor only this time Youngest Boy has included her in his game.  I watch them play in awe.  They look so happy.  They are laughing.  Mini-Me is putting a blanket on her head and Youngest Boy is finding her.  I can't imagine a second of my life without them.  I want to sit on the floor and join them.  But if I don't work I won't be able to feed them and that's not okay.

1:00 p.m. - I finish one round of work.  Finally I get that cup of coffee.  Right as Mini-Me poops again.  Youngest Boy yells that she stinks.  It's up her back.  I have to catch her before it gets onto the floor.

1:08 p.m. - Diaper change complete.  She resumes her playtime with Youngest Boy.

1:39 p.m. - Youngest Boy would like lunch now.  Good thing the dishwasher is done.  I prepare his meal and realize I haven't eaten since dinner last night.  But I don't have time to fix anything.  So I top off my coffee and head back to work.

2:00 p.m. - After 2 phone calls and encouraging kids to play I cannot fight my hunger another second.  I go back into the kitchen and toss some leftover spaghetti into a bowl and start the microwave.

2:04 p.m. - Mini-Me is fussing and is bored.  I give her some different toys to play with and put her in her excersaucer for some jumping.

2:12 p.m. - Yet another phone call.  Since this is the 3rd one from the same person I finally just answer because it's clear she is in dire need.  She wants to complain about some poor treatment she got at the doctor.  That's all.  I am working at the same time.  Trying to listen and be a good friend because I do care. 

2:43 p.m. - Work is going smoothly.  Everyone is happy.  The microwave is beeping to remind me that I left my lunch in there forever ago.  But Mini-Me has had enough of the excersaucer play.  She's ready for another nap.  I lay her down and get her to sleep.

3:08 p.m. - The Oldest's bus arrives home.  He comes in and Youngest Boy yells.  Mini-Me is awake now.  I have to get dressed, finally, for the day so that we can go get Middle Son.  The Oldest & I talk about his day at school.  I instruct him to empty the dishwasher and tell him about him leaving his dishes on the desk. 

3:15 p.m. - I head to my bedroom to change out of my pajamas and into my clothes.  The cat has been asleep in my pile of clean clothes.  Fur is all over them.

3:22 p.m. - The Oldest calls to me from the kitchen asking me what's in the microwave as he is making his after school snack.  I forgot my lunch again.

3:28 p.m. - Mini-Me needs to be dressed.  Youngest Boy cannot find his socks that he took off earlier.  He's screaming at the top of his lungs and hitting himself in the head repeating that he is stupid. 

3:30 p.m. - School is out.

3:33 p.m. - We are out the door when I remember that I have to reassemble Mini-Me's car seat.

3:35 p.m. - Youngest Boy slips in the driveway and hurts his knee.  He is crying from the pain, for his daddy and for life when daddy was here.  I hug him & comfort him and kiss his knee.

3:38 p.m. - We pull out of the driveway and are en route to school.

3:43 p.m. - The Oldest runs into the school to get Middle Son.

3:50 p.m. - We are back at home.  The Oldest snags the computer before I get in the door.  Middle Son starts his homework which consists of a math paper that he doesn't understand and a book he must read aloud.  He is hungry as well and wants a snack.  The cupboard is just about bare.  I haven't had time to wrangle 4 kids to the grocery store.  And my paycheck was spread thin.  I had to pay the bills.  Ugh.

4:00 p.m. - The Oldest retreats to his bedroom and I go back to work.

4:23 p.m. - Youngest Boy and Middle Son start screaming at each other for control over the video games so that each one can pursue their 30 minute game allotment.  They both want the Wii and different games and they both want to go first.  Mini-Me is happily crawling to the sliding door so that she can watch the birds & squirrels from the window.   I want to sit down next to her or take her outside and play in the yard.  At least it's raining out and I don't feel like such a horrible mother.

6:00 p.m. - I've worked and handled the kids' every need.  Changed a diaper or 2.  Given a bottle.  I've separated them and resolved incessant fights.  Now it's time to make dinner.  The Oldest is helping to hold Mini-Me while I get dinner made.  I open the microwave to defrost the ground turkey to find my lunch from earlier.

6:42 p.m. - Dinner is done.  The boys take their places at the table and Mini-Me's high chair needs cleaned again so she can eat too.  The kids eat while I try to make sense of the mess in the kitchen from making dinner.

6:57 p.m. - I sit down to eat my dinner and it's cold.  Mini-Me is finished and wants out.  But she needs cleaned up.  So I shove 2 bites into my face and resign to getting her out of her seat and transporting her to the bathroom for a hose down.  Youngest Boy needs a bath but he doesn't want one.  I have to literally strip him of his clothing and put him into the tub.  He kicks & screams until he realizes he can play with Mini-Me with the toys.  They play for a while and I watch and clean them up.

7:11 p.m. - Mini-Me is the first out of the tub.  She is sleepy from the full belly & special bath soap.  I clothe her in her jammies.

7:31 p.m. - Youngest Boy has maxed himself out in the bath.  He races his naked patoot from the bathroom to his bedroom and comes out wearing his pj shirt as pants and pants as a shirt.  He knows it's all on wrong but wants to stay that way.  Middle Son has been looking up cheat codes on the computer.  The Oldest is back in his room watching Netflix.  Or playing his 3DS.

8:03 p.m. - While holding my precious daughter and singing her "You Are My Sunshine" no less than 25 times I get the dishes into the dishwasher and dance with her as to not suffer the same fate tomorrow morning with the measuring spoon.

8:25 p.m. - Something is on television.  I'm not sure what but I want to sit with the kids and hear about their days and lives and feelings and viewpoints.  So while I give Mini-Me her bottle we chat and simultaneously watch tv. The phone rings but I ignore it because this is the only time I get to spend with them that is not work.  I want to bask in it. 

9:00 p.m. - It's pick up time.  Everyone must pick up their messes and get ready for bed.  An inevitable fight between them ensues while I get to my second To Do List of the day and start round 2 of work.

9:30 p.m. - Bed time in the household.  The boys head to the bathroom to brush their teeth.  They come out and kiss me goodnight.  I feel like the most blessed mother in the world. 

9:43 p.m. - I return to my desk and begin clacking at the keys again.  Flying through work in the quiet peace of the house.  Mini-Me tousles every now & then on the couch.  But remains asleep.

10:18 p.m. - Another call - It's my sister and I am grateful for her voice too.  I love to hear about her day.  I work during our conversation.  I hope she doesn't think I'm not listening.

11:00 p.m. - I'm 100% focused on work.  Until he creeps into my mind.  I miss him a little and that is quickly replaced by anger when I see he was using my Netflix account all day to watch movies while I did all of the above.

Until 2-3 a.m. I am working.  It's quiet.  Sometimes he will text me.  He tells me about his ideas for wrestling matches I cannot attend.  He pours his heart out about things going on in his life.  Never once does he ask me about our day.  Sometimes he asks about the kids.  For the most part though it's all about him. 

There are trips to the doctor or the store or therapy or library or gas station.  It may seem like I am complaining.  Far from it.  I look into 4 sets of eyes every day and am overwhelmed by love.  This is my life.  I can't imagine being happy not doing this every day.