Teaching Manners

While on a recent trip to the grocery store I discovered a product available in the Frozen Foods section - "Muffin Tops".  This sparked my sometimes prevalent Runningoffthemouth syndrome that I have been plagued with all my life.  Instantly, before I could control myself, the words just flew out of my mouth - "Your father must get these while his girlfriend is away at college to remind him of her."  My dear Middle Son (7) and Youngest Boy (4) are little sponges.  They will tell on anyone at anytime for anything.  Once, I forgot to strap Youngest Boy in his booster seat while coming home from the grocery store.  It was a 2 mile trip at best and nothing happened.  But everyone we know and several that we don't are privy to this information.  Because he doesn't have a mute button.  Telling him not to repeat those things is not an option as I do not teach them to be deceitful.  And if I'm going to teach them "personal responsibility" then I must, in turn, lead by example.  I threatened to eat his soul once and he told his pediatrician.  I must be accountable for my actions.

I dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole.  On Christmas Eve they must spend a wretched 8 days with their estranged father and his homewrecking teenaged girlfriend.  Though, we have a hearing on the 27th that may (let's pray) result in their immediate return home.  I've talked this up to be a phenomenal experience for them in spite of my sheer and utter terror.  But I'm still human.  I still have anger.  So I went on.  I provided a list of things that my children should not say to or about the Pop Tart (totally void of nutritional value and there's a reason they come in two packs).  I know, I know - I should be teaching respect and love and all that happy horseshit.  But let's get real - the bitch thinks it's funny that he left me pregnant.  I ain't Mother Theresa kids.  I have a Mexican temper.  And a big mouth.

The list consisted of the following:

1.  Do not ask her when she fought Godzilla.
2.  Do not point out that even at 9 months pregnant my behind was smaller than hers.
3.  Do not tell her that you can hear her arteries screaming.
4.  Do not offer her a breathmint.
5.  Don't mention that she may or may not turn you to stone with a single glance.
6.  Those unfortunate marks on her face are called pimples and pointing them out is rude.
7.  Don't ask her if she should be eating those particular pastries.
8.  Do not make beeping noises should she be walking backwards.
9.  Do not tell her that you don't speak that dialect of Whale.
10.  When she asks a question do not respond by barking.
11.  Do not throw water at her in hopes that she melts.
12.  Don't ask her what happened to her face.  It's called make up and some women need a lot of it.
13.  Don't tell her that she reminds you of something you read about in a Percy Jackson book.
14.  If she falls do not tell her that a little more of California just fell further into the ocean.
15.  Do not point out her resemblances to RuPaul.
16.  Also do not point out that manatees cannot live out of water.
17.  Don't suggest that she buy bigger pants.

So now that we have those bases covered I think we're safe, right?