During my meeting the teacher told me "This may not be politically correct for me to say but my life would be so much easier if you withdrew him from this school." I appreciate the jobs that teachers do. They put up with so much and work so hard. But the parent in me had to refrain from physical violence. I nodded and smiled and participated in the conversation as a grown up should. Then I came home, had some time to think, and wrote this letter to the teacher and principal:
First, I want to thank you
for your time and efforts over the last few months with our son.
Teachers don’t get nearly enough credit for the amazing jobs that they do.
After we met Tuesday morning, I came home, discussed the meeting with his father, and had time to reflect on the conversation. We’ve spent several hours
talking and I’d like to take this opportunity to share with you the thoughts and
conclusions to which we came. I apologize for the delay in sending this – our
household has been suffering from an incredible cold.
Since the beginning of the
school year my husband and/or I have met, in person, 3 times. We have had
several phone calls as well. One trend we noticed was the continued reference
to the “eye roll” that occurred in the first few days of school, literally each
visit and all but one call. It is our belief that this incident has become a
catalyst for the rift between teacher and student. We feel that it has been
taken as a personal slight that seems to be one which there is no recovery.
While we do not condone [The Middle Son] behavior in any way, shape, or form we also
do not feel that this poor choice on his part should continue to be an issue two
months later. From that point on, the personality clash between you and [The Middle Son] has grown considerably. We feel that this has amplified everything [The Middle Son] has done from that point forward. The old adage that “you never get a
second chance to make a first impression” has a great deal of truth in it. It
also bars it’s adherents to a place where forgiveness is impossible. Thus,
teaching both parties nothing of interpersonal growth.
You stated to me that [The Middle Son] is the only student that you do not have a connection with out of the
entire class. You also stated to me that your life would be easier if I
withdrew [The Middle Son] from school. These confessions weighed heavily on me, as a
parent. This situation promotes further social detachment. Children are
sponges, as you know. They are intuitive, sensitive, keen observers. When they
witness, whether verbal or non verbal, an adult authority figure disconnect from
something they have a tendency to follow suit. [The Middle Son] has an already
difficult time with making friends. I have to wonder if your indirect/non
verbal indifference to him is not being picked up on and harbored by the other
students. I’m not sure it’s really possible for him to be more emotionally
isolated than he already is. I fail to see how this is helping him develop
social skills. Being an outcast is not a skill one strives to accomplish. No
child, including [The Middle Son], wants to be disliked. You mentioned that you had
difficulty sleeping in anxiety over the meeting and can’t stand the thought of
not being liked. Well, that’s every moment of school for our son. I won’t deny
that he bears responsibility for that fact. I will also reaffirm my belief he’s
not cognizant of it. This is not an atmosphere where learning can be fostered.
There are means to correct his rudeness. There are not means to make you care.
There was much talk of his lack of empathy. There was none expressed for him,
either.
We feel very adamantly that
parents and teachers should be allies in pursuit of academic achievement. When
a teacher, a person we are to trust with our child’s life, expresses
indifference for that child – well, to be honest – it does not provide
motivation to continue that alliance. It carries the same weight as stating
that you do not care. That is not acceptable. He is not just part of your
job. He is a person. I cannot imagine how that would motivate him in his
studies or to be respectful, if he knew. Something tells me, he already does.
Our extended family and
circle of friends include numerous teachers and administrators in and out of the
district. Of the people we spoke to about the meeting and its outcome, all were
flabbergasted by this statement. Never have I heard any of them say this in
casual conversation about their students, let alone to a parent that they are
supposed to work with on a regular basis. Imagine if your spouse, child,
parent, family member or friend told you that their life would be easier if you
weren’t there. The relationship between teacher and student is just as
important to a child.
I have several thousand
clients at once. Some have simple cases – cut & dry and finished in 9
months. Some have time consuming, intricate plans that require detailed work
that takes up to 5 years to complete. Sometimes one person’s case can rearrange
my entire day and night (including my family and home life). I cannot imagine
feeling or expressing indifference for any of them, especially to them. It’s
counterproductive, not to mention unprofessional. In all fairness, maybe it was
a simple case of miscommunication with unintended implications. If that’s so,
then perhaps the same consideration should be given to a struggling 9 year old
boy. However, any doubts we had about our decision to pursue the [deleted for safety] have been extinguished. /end
I received an apology from the principal where she explained that the teacher was trying to tell me that she wanted [The Middle Son] to stay in this school. She just chose the wrong words.
yeah. And I'm the Queen of England. Either way, we have begun the process of enrolling him into an alternative educational program endorsed by the Ohio Association of Gifted Children. Hopefully, this will put him on the path toward the greatness he is destined for and not one with tragic results.
